I've seen things and wiped things you can't even imagine

People who say they don't like John Mayer are full of poop poop. Yeah I know he's a tool, but he makes your soul better when it needs it. You don't think so?? You're just jealous because he dated Jennifer Aniston. I went through that phase too. We all do.

My job is pretty perfect. Thanks for asking. I'd ask you how you are doing, but it's not your blog so no one cares. I love kids. I know everyone says that, but I actually do. I'm like Angelina Jolie and everyone else is like Jennifer Aniston. They both say they love kids, but which one is adopting third world country babies? A. Jo. and we know that means she must really love kids because she's buying the broken ones that no one wants. I love when kids throw little tantrums at me. I understand them. I relate to them. I throw tantrums every ten minutes in my head, but I'm so good at hiding my bad attitude that you would never know that.

You're arguing with me right now. It's the jealousy thing again. You need John Mayer.

I carried a hammer to work today and it made me feel like a laborer. I was only using it to prevent a nail that was sticking out in the floor from de-eyeing clumsy little chilluns, but still. I carried it and used it all by myself. I think I understand the blue-collar life now. It's not that bad.

I've experienced many spectrums of the political and social experience. I've been a poor black child in the Hotlanta projects; I've been a young red-neck girl in the racist hills of Soddy Daisy; I've been an upper-class teenager in the suburban hell that is Brentwood; I've been the Catholic Republican School girl (I was actually a member of the Christian Leadership Council and the Young Republicans); I've been the liberal vegan college student activist; I've been the lazy apathetic college partier; I've been naked; I've been a little slutty; I've been the blue collar worker (see above description); And now I'm the most important college graduate living at home. I say all this to remind you that I've seen things so I have the right to make solid judgements on all classes and races and species. This is why you read this. Sometimes I just like to remind you of that.

I'm full of shit today. Let me tell you why. I had to wipe....a four.... repeat: FOUR.... year old's asshole today at work. He "didn't know how to wipe." I'm pretty sure all you do is wipe...but it can be confusing. I judged him and his ancestors at that moment. Remember: I have the right to. So, I'm considering calling social services on his mother. She was too pretty anyway. I hate hot moms.

I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY HOT MOM I WILL MAKE YOU WIPE MY ASSHOLE. You know I can!

Well, technically I'm at work right now so I should go bleach things. Yes. The harmful chemical, bleach, is required by my bosses. I have to spray down all the toys that the little chilluns like to stick in their mouths with bleach. I'm literally killing children. Granted, these are children that don't know how to wipe their asses..soo....


I said poop poop earlier.

I'm full of reminders.



-Katie the Wiper