LA?

So today I got a hint on how to live my life. I needed it.

Would it be completely ridiculous if I moved to LA?

If I get a boob job, a sweet tan (It's possible with professional assistance!), and boots wid da fur would that kind of un-do all this blog has done?

What has this blog done?

Don't answer that.

Ok. Anyway. I have class, but I needed to blog this event in my life.

That's what I'm workin towards.

It's 5 am so don't expect much

You may not want to read this because I honestly don't want to type this, but I'm not sleeping. Sleep deprivation makes me blog.

So my show opens on Thursday. That's cute. Actually cute is not the word to describe it at all. It's stressful because we have not rehearsed nearly enough. It's intimidating because I know a bunch of people are coming to see it. It's heinous because I have a shit ton of lines. It's intense because it's a play about destroying a child's life. It's awesome because I wear mom-jeans and a sweatshirt with cats in love on it.

I am going to be so ffffking tired tomorrow. DAMN.

I want this time spent awake to be valuable to you and yours. Therefore, I am going to tell you how to fix all your problems....right now...


Punch anyone who disagrees with you.

You offend me, professor.

So I actually went to class today, and I am offended that the professor acted like he didn't miss me. When you are a senior... you are important. It's just truth. Apparently, he is like the one person in the world who doesn't read my blog. If he did, he would have recognized me from my picture and my hilarious wit.

WAIT. I bet he was just confused because my nose doesn't actually say "blog" on it.

Professors are dumb. This is why I don't go to class.

So enough about me.

I love me.


I'm sorry I'm so self-absorbed today. It's just that when I realize how unspecial I am in this big big world of gen ed classes with 200 people who don't give a fuck about you or anyone else in the room, I need a self-five, as the Todd would say. If you don't know who the Todd is you need to respect yourself and correct yourself.

This is what I have learned today. Life is hilarious. I went to the most boring class ever and was forced to sit in an assigned seat and listen to Mumbles McGee ramble on about climate, skiing, surfing, german cars, being old, having a son, the joy of rhyming, Mt. LeConte, buying a house that is cheaper but with a view of the mountains, the food in Memphis, his old professor who is only 6 years older than he is, and a splash of limestone and shale. For a minute, I was peeved that I even existed. Then I was peeved that limestone existed. Then I got a little pissed at shale. Then, I realized how damn funny all that was. I got the silent giggles and started doodling and chatting on facebook to distract myself from upgrading to full on chuckles. So while, yes, I learned nothing about geography... I did learn that most moments can be made funny. Unless you are George Lopez. Then nothing you do or say is ever funny.

And why am I taking geography? I live on a mountain. I get it. Geography exists. Prove something difficult. Prove God or honest politicians or blogs with a point exist.

What is real? What is death? I will answer these both in this post. You're welcome Universe.

I just ate frozen yogurt and learned that it is now called Fro Yo.

It's cute, but I hate it.

I have this weird obsession with watching people play video games. I hate playing video games...excuse me..bijeo games...but watching other people play is fascinating to me. I am a groupie to bijeo game nerds. I have reached a new low.

At least I'm not Fro Yo.

Ok. Now that we have that all straightened out, I have something to say. There is this show called The Jersey Shore. I hope to Jesus you have heard of it because it is amazing.. or the antichrist. Either way, I love it. There is this girl named Snookie on it. Now, there are many moments in this show where I go "What. The. Dammit?" I'm beginning to think I actually need to start a new blog to really give enough attention to these "What. The. Dammit?" moments. Anyway, this one Snookie moment really got to me. The guidos were making a lobster dinner, and as you know, to make lobster you have to buy them alive and then kill them. Yeah.. it's kinda sad, but that's not where I hold issue with this episode. Snookie walks in while they are throwing the lobsters in the boiling water and she gets so UPSET and DISGUSTED and starts wailing about how she is a Vet Tech and helps animals...doesn't kill them! Oh Lord! Snookie you are such a lover of animals! Then she says that she won't eat lobster because they are alive when you kill them.

They are ALIVE when you KILL them.

This really got me in an existential place. First, I thought, aren't we all alive when we die? Isn't that the nature of life and death? Then I started thinking, maybe Snookie is just a thinker.. a real thinker.. beyond my wisdom. Snookie is saying that things are only dead when you see them get killed. Kind of the tree falling in the forest thing. If you don't see the cow suffering a life of pain and torture and then see it get slaughtered, then it isn't dead. It was never alive? No. We are only dead if people see us die! OR NO! We are only alive when people have seen us killed! Yes! That is it! This being true, I hope that Snookie gets killed in front of a bunch of people.... you know... so she is really alive.

I really do like Snookie. She is a little too much for knowing so little, but I think she is genuine at heart. Actually, what I notice most about this show is that they all mean well but are very very immature. They live their lives for pleasure and instant gratification, which brings them drama and instability and great reality TV. The more I see reality TV, the more real it becomes to me. I used to think it wasn't real at all because it is scripted and extreme. This show, though, teaches me that even the scripted junk shows the real nature of people. A lot of people will do anything for money and fame. A lot of people mean well but live for pleasure and instant gratification.

What this has done for my life is that anytime I am experiencing "drama" in life, I realize I am focusing too much on the superficial in life. I am living too much in the reality TV zone.

Although, let's be real. A reality TV show about me would be AWESOME! You all could just sit and watch me blog and talk to my cat all day. It is pretty fascinating. I wish I could watch it.

EVEN BETTER


There needs to be a video game where you are me blogging. Then, there would be no need to ever leave your house again. You would be completely satisfied and living a life that Snookie would be proud of.

Snookie loves Fro Yo, too.

WWSD?

 Let's make bracelets.


KW

?

Jessica just blew my mind with this other blog.

Blew. my. fucking. mind.

You know what I didn't know?

I didn't know other people were funny.

What do I do with this information?

Gahd damn.

This is what happens when I wake up from a nap and my dad is working out in the living room so that feel like a fat lazy ass

This is me 10 minutes after completing P90X.

Thank you, Tony Horton.

I know what I know

"Really, though, I want someone to say my name with acknowledgment of my hard times, my favorite things, my most embarrassing moments, my fears, my obsession with Gatorade, and what my real true smile looks like. "

I wrote this way back a year or so ago in this blog. Reading it now, it feels even more true. That is what I want.

I have a vagina

It is rough living with a teenager. Especially when no one actually disciplines him. It is all just noise. Just yelling. But yelling accomplishes nothing. I have no children, but I know this is true. Yelling + money= how the certain families that I belong to cope with things. When you don't do something perfect, people yell at you. When you finally get something right, you get an iPod.

I bring this up because my brother and I just got in a fight. It's the first actual fight we have gotten into in a long time, and it was dumb (as all fighting is). I won't go into the details, but I will say that I never let things get very far in arguments anymore. I used to be bitch bitch mcBitherson and could argue about anything and wear my opponent down until they were just a bleeding pulp of useless.

Sorry. Too graphic. Too much.

Anyway. I really don't argue much anymore so I am a little disappointed in myself for perpetuating some teenage angst being taken out on me, but I see my talented brother with limitless potential being so self-centered at times, and I just want him to have that shown to him sometimes. I feel like the mother when I am at home. I won't go into all that either, but I do feel responsible for my brother because I love him, and I want him to grow up and grow past the materialism that surrounds him and find true joy. I see him, though, being a douche (as we can all be) and then getting senselessly yelled at and called names, and all this teaches him is to solve his problems by thoughtless screaming and careless responses. This is what I encountered tonight. A misunderstanding happened and he blew up. It only hurts and solves nothing.

So my point is that it hurts when someone you care about so much just senselessly blows up at you. Yes, logic tells me that he did not mean to call me a bitch, but the fact that he has enough hate in him to yell at me is shocking. I have learned tonight that I should never even contribute to any sort of conversation that only consists of aggravated testosterone. Just walk away and know that trying to convince someone when they are like that of anything is a fruitless labor.

Sorry, readers, I had to vent somehow and I am the only one who really has the patience to listen to myself at times like this, so writing all this out and then reading it myself will get me to calm down.

My advice, if you want it, is just don't yell. Get mad, get upset and hurt, but take enough time not to yell and get violent. These things just bring people too far apart to fix anything.

This post is lame.

I ate a BUNCH of chocolate today. Maybe that's why I am so emotional.

Women are so weak and dumb. I am glad we live in a male dominated society...

wait.. nope. I don't believe any of that.

K. good. I'm still me.

You can take my chocolate, but you can't take away my vagina... Well, I guess you could but that's taking my brain somewhere it doesn't want to go.

Sorry. Bye.

-Woman

Only losers die.

It is the first day of 2010. I started my year sleeping, working out, eating good food, playing with my cat, and learning to cook with my mom and dad. It was a good start.

I think people try too hard to make a big deal out of the beginning and end of the year. The middle is what counts. We always enjoy the beginnings of things and look forward to their endings, but find ourselves bored or discontent within the middle. That is why my New Year's resolution is to celebrate the ordinary days. I'm gonna party on a Monday in the middle of March because of the alliteration.

These parties won't be occasions to get blasted and get in filthy hot tubs with perfect strangers (as much as I love the latter.) These parties will be with good music, dancing, and making a vegan cake. Other people may or not be involved. I can have a solo dolo party, fo sho.

For example, I spent my New Years with only the three dogs and the cat. My broseph was out partying; my parents had their own drunk adventure; and I sat at home. It was amazing. I slept, I snacked, and just was at peace. I stayed up and watched the ball drop with Ingrid (my cat) and then ran downstairs and yelled "HAPPY FUCKIN NEW YEAR" to my beagle and two little shits (shitzus.) Chance, the beagle, began howling aggressively and then Bella, the little yappy ugly shitzu, screeched like a wild boar with an attitude problem, and Tessa, the older worn own pretty dog, rolled her eyes and went back to sleep. I think she pissed herself in her bed, too. It wasn't like a sad "I'm so old that I cannot control my bladder" kind of pissed herself. It was like a "It's 2010 and I want to urinate on myself so you have to clean it up and learn your place beneath me in this world." I then proceeded to dance while music played on TV and the awake dogs chased me around and tried to somehow get food out of the situation. They succeeded. I'm a pushover for the animal world. We've learned this by now.

Point: I don't need to depend on others to make me happy. I don't need a huge crazy fiesta with mad amounts of alcohol and hot strippers to have fun. In the middle of the year, in the middle of the month, in the middle of the week, in the middle of your day, you can find joy wherever you are. In the middle, life is not extreme, but it has the opportunity to be balanced. Because, we cannot physically survive living in the party zone every day. Most of our lives are spent in a simpler way. Most of our lives are spent waiting in line for some toy made in China.

That's not where I was going with that. I apologize.

Enjoy the middle of things. Fuck mid-life crisis.

Live in the moment and you will never be disappointed. Unless you die... then you have failed at living in the moment.

Only losers die.

Wait......

Everyone dies.

Sounds like another blog post.