I'm tired of pretending

I'm tired of pretending to not know everything.

I try the humility thing and it is uncomfortable.

I am also tired of pretending to be sweet and sappy and lovey just because I'm pregnant with a little joy bundle in my belly of life and future possibilities. Guys, I'm just sayin.... I don't say things like, "I feel so blessed," "I am so lucky," "This is so special," etc. It's not that I don't feel this way. It's that I don't like people to know that I have a sweet precious side. It detracts from my street cred, and really that's what people know me for, and that's what people want from me... street cred.

The only people that I really want to see that "nice" side of me are my daughter, my cat, and my husband...sometimes... I mean, if he likes me too much all the time, he'll actually expect me to say and do sweet things for him on a regular basis. Too much work. I'm too busy for that... blogging and watching Netflix and such.

Ok?


Alright. I love you all, dearly. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people. May God shine his light on you all.

Let go and let Godiva...

When you wake up and you don't know what to do with life... eat chocolate.

If that doesn't work... eat more chocolate.


If that doesn't work, adopt a cat.

If I was giving birth to a cat, I would use pain meds.....The claws....

There is another person's foot in my ribs right now.

I have been so crazy lately. Fo reals crazy. Like.... I cry.  A lot. It may have something to do with the aforementioned person with the foot.

I get extremely agitated with everything and at the same time I feel the urge to make out with everything. EVERYTHING. (awkward)

Also, the more prego I get, the more crazy dreams about old women turning into half-snakes and trying to denture-bite me I have. And last night I dreamt that I gave birth to a cat. (That's when you know you are a crazy cat person.)

Basically, being awake or asleep is terrifying for all involved when you are pregnant.

Actually, that's not true. Being pregnant really is beautiful and wonderful and yes, you leak a lot of stuff, and things that shouldn't be sore get very sore, and merely standing in your awkward body defies the laws of physics, but all these things are nothing compared to the weird yet awesome fact that you have a life inside of you.

 I'm starting to look forward to labor. Sounds crazy, but true. I just can't wait for my water to break and to tell Matt and Ingrid that it is time! And I can't wait for that moment right after she is born and she is all of a sudden sitting in my arms... outside of my body.... and I get to see what she looks like. So bizarre! This is freaky stuff! I love it.

I feel like I'm a badass. I mean... I don't really do anything badass, but I still feel like I'm a badass. So I'm going with that feeling and using it to squeeze this baby out without pain meds. That's right! I had a talk with the kicking person in the belly and told her that I want her to suck it in tight while I'm pushing on that labory day. She better listen. That's what kids do, though, right? They listen and do what their parents tell them? Yeah?

Yeah.. I'm ready for this.


k. My advice for the day: If you are pregnant or you plan to be pregnant or you know some pregnant lady, expose yourself (yes... get naked) or expose her (could cause some awkwardness) to information (oh. that makes more sense) about natural childbirth. There are many many benefits and no risks (unless there are serious complications ((which are rare in normal pregnancies)) with your birth and you ignore your doctor's advice for birthing interventions). Don't just assume that your OBGYN will make all the right calls for you and your baby. Often, they want you in and out of that hospital as quickly as possible so inductions and c-sections are increasingly popular. And these interventions carry a lot of risks. So, just make sure you know exactly what you believe and what you want on this extremely important and special day.


Yippie for Hippies!

Don't bother looking for a point.

 Half of me just wants to clean house, eat healthy food, and to feed another human being via my boobs. The other half of me wants to run through the streets of tacoma naked and entertain the masses with inappropriate jokes. These two sides have officially collided and therefore I am now doing nothing. I am just sitting and thinking about all the different things I could do. 

I have so many options and yet so few. I feel so bored and yet so lazy. I get up to do something and then I think how doing that something involves... well... doing something. That sounds so exhausting.

I think all people can relate to this feeling. Americans can, at least. We have all this "freedom" but then we also have all this pressure to be successful and junk. We want to sit around all day on our days off and watch our favorite TV shows, but then at the end of the day we feel so bad about doing that. 

North Koreans are so lucky.

(...)

North Koreans aren't bombarded with facebook friend requests or magazines telling them what is hip and fresh or commercials for 2 year online colleges. What do they have to worry about? Really... What is so bad about concentration camps and having no options to leave your country? Options are the worst part of life. It makes everything I do seem so scary and important. I want someone to just tell me what I have to do and then shoot me if I resist. That sounds super sweet.

I will post this, and I guarantee you not one North Korean currently residing in North Korea will argue with me. Not one. The only explanation for this is that they are all immensely satisfied with their lives.

Why did I just go on and on about North Korea? Um because there are some very interesting documentaries on Netflix about North Korea, and I watched them. I'm basically an expert on the situation in North Korea now.

I obviously do not feel envious of North Koreans. I am very lucky to live in a country I can leave at will if I so desire.  I am lucky to have the ability to speak against my country without the fear of me or my family being murdered. And I will exercise that right now. GETTIN' CONTROVERSIAL ON YO' ASS!

So my husband and I got into an argument yesterday in front of Jack-N-The-Box establishment. Basically, I accidentally offended him and then was douchey and didn't want to apologize for it because I was being self-righteous and thought he was being stupid. Bam.  I was wrong, and I realize this. It grew into this much larger argument, though, because then I read into something he said and got all offended, which now I look back and realize is very hypocritical, but I won't admit to that because I am self-righteous. 

Wow no one wants to hear about marital arguments. Sorry.

I'm trying to go somewhere here. The whole argument was instigated by this gigantic American flag that my husband owns. He really likes it and I... well... really don't. At first, I was just talking about how I find the HUGE flag aesthetically ridiculous and will not hang it in my house at any point in our lives. This discussion though went on to become about what the flag "represents" and nonsense. And we both got VERY defensive of our sides. He, being an American soldier who fought in Afghanistan, feels a symbolic connection with the flag as it represents what he and his friends risked their lives for, and what many have lost their lives for. 

As the woman that loves this man more than anything, and as the woman that waited for him while he was in Afghanistan, and as the woman that is extremely proud of him for the MANY heroic acts I know he has done, I, of course, respect what these men do. Their bravery is not lost on me. 

BUT

This being said.... I feel as though we are made to feel in this country that if we say ANYTHING NEGATIVE AT ALL ABOUT THE TROOPS then we are terrorists and should just leave the country and move to Afghanistan and go ffffk ourselves and our camels (which is rude because camels really don't want that kind of relationship with us.) And on this day in front of Jack-N-The-Box, I got fed up with watching my mouth around my lovely soldier husband. Anyone who knew me before I dated/married this man knows that I have crazy hippie tendencies and have not always expressed great satisfaction with this country's government and views on war. So, marrying a soldier was a shocker for many. And marrying this soldier has not changed many of my views on this country. While it has brought about the profound realization of how difficult life is for military families and how much these families give up for what they believe is right, it has actually increased my resentment for those in charge of the armed forces and this government. So, I got all offended because, to me, the American flag represents the facade that is waved in front of the average citizen so that those in power can take whatever vicious selfish actions they desire in order to increase their power and finances. Our flag is waved while our government and its corporations destroy the rainforests and those people and animals that populate it so that they can drill for oil.

Also, we don't know why we are in Iraq or Afghanistan. Is it really terrorism? Have we found weapons of mass destruction? Do we know what we are talking about? No. I don't. I admit it. I don't know why we are in Afghanistan, and no one can give a straight answer. NO ONE. I don't see plain evidence that what we are doing has a specific purpose and has achieved these specific goals. The goals keep changing. The reasons are altered to what they need to be to keep our soldiers there. I just want a good answer. And I want a REAL exit plan. And I want people to stop getting so fucking defensive over a piece of fabric. As Americans, it is our right and responsibility to question our government and get the answers, but we are told by the government that if "you are not with us, you are with the terrorists." That doesn't sound like freedom.

So stop freakin' getting so offended when I ask questions and don't just blindly accept the way things are. If you just trust that the people in charge of our men and women overseas are good, caring, lovely gems, and you don't question why and how long they have to be over there... then in my opinion you are not a true American. 

Know your rights and use them. Or don't. But don't treat me like I am some terrorist. You are doing a damn good job minding your own business and not delving any deeper than what our government-sponsored news reports (yes... our government controls our news...) so you shouldn't have a problem leaving what we crazy hippies are doing well enough alone. 

I am not impressed by any of this stuff I just wrote. I don't think it really makes full sense. It's mainly just me being emotional because I am pregnant and sick of animal cruelty. 

OH LORD! NOW SHE BRINGS UP ANIMAL CRUELTY!?

I won't go into another rant... BUT I COULD! 

But I won't.

Because I know that if you already feel the way I do about these things then my rant won't serve you any purpose. You know what you know. And if you disagree, you will just get pissed and it will make you more defensive of your beliefs.

There is no point to arguing. There is no point to blogging. I am perpetuating a lot of pointless things at the moment. And that is my purpose in this life. To promote purposelessness.