Eating popsicles in the shower gets you pregnant

Sometimes I just wanna eat things in the shower. Today I ate a popsicle. It was very sensual. 

Really I can't help being sensual. Like earlier I ate a cheerio off the floor. 

You know what happens to sensual people? They get pregnant. Or maybe pregnant people just constantly eat a lot (aka popsicles and cheerios) and they convince themselves its sensual.

Either way... I got a baby in my gut. It's pushing on my bladder and making my bellybutton shallower, but I can forgive these things because it gives me an excuse to eat a lot and makes me 97% more adorable. 

I was raised Catholic and pretty conservative and now look at me. I'm a crazy heathen liberal socialist weirdo. So, my first decision as a parent (WEIRD!) is to raise my kid to be a Republican stripper so he/she will end up being the opposite of that. 

Actually I really don't care what my baby grows up to be as long as he/she doesn't murder and as long as he/she is tan. And doesn't have an annoying laugh.

Anyone can have a baby these days. 

Buy me diapers. 

I need big ones, though, because I'm getting fatter every day.

Yea me. Not the baby. It's always about the baby! GAH

Um.... it's covered in weird hairy goo that it eats and poops out. 

Bye.

-The emotionally stable mom-to-be

 

If seagulls could blog, they wouldn't because they're too busy being awesome.

One of my favorite things: Seeing seagulls in places seagulls shouldn't be.

Admit it, when you see seagulls at a mall in TN or the like, you perk up a bit. It makes anything seem possible.

A few days ago I saw about 50 seagulls surrounding a couple in the middle of a park. Now, for me, this was pretty inspiring. All the birds were standing there, very evenly spaced out, and very focused on the couple. Their ability to create such an aesthetically pleasing pattern and their immense focus made me believe in purpose in this life. If I look at it from the couples perspective, though, I have to say that is a pretty terrifying moment. You realize you are surrounded by 50 deceptively large birds that obviously have some plan in action to have that much focus and to be that far from the sea. That couple didn't even have food, so it was clear the birds were there for them. I wonder what happened to the couple. They're probably dead.

Some people accuse me of giving animals more credit than I should. The fact that I assume that seagulls have the intelligence and persistence to create and enact plans against humanity may seem ridiculous to some, but to me this is very logical. Tell me when you look into a horse's eyes you don't automatically get the feeling they are smarter than you and are doing you a favor by not stomping your weak little human face into the ground. You can't tell me that! Because you know deep down that you feel that way!

Enough about this.

Here are my other recent observations:

• If you buy a white couch, you will increase your spaghetti consumption, and you will increase the amount of meals you eat on your couch.
• The more Real Housewives of (Any City) you watch on Bravo, the more you will narrate to the imaginary camera in your mirror about the drama in your life.
• Every time you shop at Target, you realize you are either A)wearing a red shirt and khaki pants (aka the Target uniform) or B) wearing everything you have ever bought at Target at that moment.
• This list reaffirms that I have become a housewife.

Life is hard, but at least horses have let us all live another day. Let us be thankful for that this Thanksgiving. 

-Katie

The Real Housewife of Tacoma