I am emotional right now. I'm listening to some beautiful music and thinking on Christmas and how it has changed for me. It's strange when you look around and the people, places, and things that used to make you feel so comfortable and joyful all of a sudden seem so flat- lacking the magic they once held. I do not wish to complain about such things, but rather observe them and decide what they mean.
Today, I spent time with the Whittenburg side of the family for our Christmas. Certain smells and sounds always represent these Whittenburg reunions. I smell ham, cigarettes, flowers, and pumpkin, and hear laughter, really forceful southern accents, and some nagging noises from the chattering women. While the cigarettes and the nagging are a damper, now especially, when I was young all of these smells and sounds felt so familiar and like they belonged to a part of me. Of course I have always hated having to deal with the comments on how tall I'm getting, how my hair is too long, how I'm withering away and need to eat more biscuits, but these kinds of statements are how people who love you but never see you show that they notice you and do really care. As I have aged, though, I see more and hear more and am losing the innocence that made things so magical. Every moment feels sharp, like I'm waiting for the criticism or the back-handed compliment. All discussions revolve around failing body parts and disgust towards other family members, particularly spouses. Let us not forget the constant presence of racism, sexism, and those other isms that so many areas in the south, especially Crossville, seem to be so fond of. I feel ugly, stupid, and so obligated. Everything is so obligated. What is worse, is that this is to be expected in our society. Family becomes a burden. The old lose their value as they age. We put them in homes and yet keep them alive as long as possible with our ever-developing medical advances. I see how treating the elderly this way is horrible and how feeling the way I do towards my own family is tragic, yet I see no way of preventing it.
The reunion today was spent mainly in a nursing home. I sought refuge in conversation with my brother and tried to be cute and sweet so everyone could observe me. It is the only way to stay off their gossip list. I left with the worst heartburn, anxiety, and exhaustion and was so relieved to be in my own room. That is so sad to me. My family makes me physically ill. I don't blame them. I blame life.
I didn't mean to rant like that. I guess I'm just overwhelmed with how detached I am from my roots now. I don't feel that kinship, that sense of belonging, that is so necessary for a human. I love my parents and my brother so much, but they have their own lives and their own family traditions that have evolved in my absence. It is to be expected- they must move on as I must move on, but I don't think anyone expected me to change as much as I have and for our views to diverge so significantly.
Friends are wonderful. Lovers are beautiful. But for me, Family is necessary and mine seems so broken.
NOW I am very blessed because I have parents who are in love and we are a relatively stable unit- the four of us, so I do not want anyone to think that I think I have it SOOO bad. I do want it to be known, though, that all families can be fucked up, even those who look so picturesque. Isn't there something wrong with that? Why does life have to be so antagonistic?
Dumb question, but why can't we all just get along?
What I learned today, through all the tension and awkwardness and sadness and sickness, is that family is really important to me- a fact that I have neglected for several years now. The problem is that each individual within the family has his or her own problems, and I feel my family has not done a good enough job of looking outside the individual and onto the group. I am guilty of this and so is everyone else in the Whittenburg/Schrumpf family.
Schrumpf is such a horrible last name. I mean.. the F is silent! No wonder we are Fucked.
My advice to humanity is to reach out to your family. When your family is close, you never feel quite as alone.
I know because I can get pretty lonely. I'm learning though, and things are becoming clearer every day.
I have a little help from Coldplay.
And amphetamines.
And Tums.
And casual sexual experiences.
And lying.
And making videos of me dancing in a onesy.
And overdosing the world with blogging.
And you.
I love you.
