(Firstly, I will be editing the color scheme and junk later because this is boring me and you.)
Finally it has happened. I was in the shower and I started talking to myself.
What has happened?
Katlyn has finally lost it?
No no no. I'm not crazy at all. Since when are vegans crazy?
Actually, I had an epiphany. It often happens in the shower with me. If you were in the shower with me you would have an epiphany too. too much...
I had all these thoughts sporadically shooting in and out of my brain. I would lose one and then gain another. It has been a long time, it seems, since I have had so many ideas and things to talk about. So, I had to talk. And now it is bloggin' time.
Lately, I have been very lost. I truly didn't even know I was lost until now. That's how it usually goes with me. I let things build and build and when they finally crash down, it hurts, but I finally feel something and learn from it. I don't think I'm making very much sense right now, but that isn't my concern. My concern is getting out the letters and the words to see where I am.
For the past two weeks, I have a had horrible anxiety. When I wake up, my heart is racing and my stomach hurts and I'm sick all day. Some days, I would try to ignore it; I would hang out with friends and focus on other things. Other days, I would spend hours sitting- trying to calm myself down. It was like sitting at the top of a roller coaster, expecting to fall at any minute, but never getting that relief (aren't roller coasters like the most cliché analogy?) Sometimes I would brave a little self-analysis, but avoidance is kind of my hobby. I have mastered hiding from myself.
Today, I have spent my time alone. It's been a sad day. I feel lonely, but it's a good thing. I needed this. I did this to myself. I did this for myself. I stop calling people, stop answering the phone, and for some reason expect someone to be there for me. But how could they be? I slam the door in everyone's face. I have gotten off the track (another roller coaster reference? come on). I thought having crazy times with friends and entertaining people would fill me up. But gah... emptiness is heavy and weighing on me. I let myself be affected by petty things- such as boys, girl-talk, going to the gym, etc. But I am not that girl.
I am not happy at the mall, or drinking, or spending hours talking about other people. That is for middle school. I am happy when I'm honest. And honestly, I can't always be funny and cute and charming and fun. I need time to myself to paint, write... blog; you know, do the stereotypical vegan things. I need to think about big things. I like feeling small sometimes. My anxiety tells me that the bigger part of me- the thoughtful, concerned, yet cynical part- is being ignored by everyone- especially me.
Today, I want to write about people instead of animals. I may wanna talk about myself a bit too. I'm an actor. I like when you look at me.
When freshman year started, I was desperately trying to fit in anywhere. I knew very little about myself and would grab at anything (which can get awkward) and join any group that slightly tickled my fancy. My fancy is very ticklish by the way. What I learned is that people are tools in all groups. Image becomes so important that the ideas people stand for become shadows behind the image. I started to understand this and I resented people for that. It felt like no one is good. Even the people I loved and thought I knew began to take on new shades in my eyes. The beauty I once felt with them turned false. In some cases, I projected the false image and pushed undeserving people away. In some very significant cases, though, my new perception was more truth than not. This was the first time in my life I felt true sadness. I was depressed. I developed that darker side that few people see.
This was an amazing event. A rebirth was masked in what, at the time, felt like death. Without this difficult time, I would not be the complete person I am becoming. I would be much more naive, silly, and a grade-a corporate raised consumer whore who gets hot from a good deal and a chick-fil-a sammich.
ANYWAYS!
That is when animal rights came into my life. The capacity for cruelty held by humans was expanded and reaffirmed to me when I saw corporate farming and the methods for obtaining, raising, and slaughtering animals by the millions. I was ripe and ready to hate humans at that point in my life, and animal rights helped me do that.
I have chilled out though. I haven't converted from my animal rights perspective, but I have altered my vision of the world and my ways of handling it. I don't hate people anymore. I don't love them either. This is what I discovered in the shower. This and a weird rash. Just kidding. Unless that random guy I slept with has the same rash... then I'm not kidding. Just let me know "John Smith". Just kidding. yea...
To me, people are just so.... predictable and unchangeable. I have tremendous faith in the individual. I love a person, but people follow patterns mainly motivated by the poisonous group mentality. It has been this way all of human history. Some people have been fighting for power while others fight for peace (aka power) forever. People love to congregate and get fired up and get-er-done! But for every one group with a cause, there is another just as strong and passionate to oppose it.
Humans are animals. They live lives of habit. They have their territory and fight to keep it. People do what they can to survive.
But there is something more...
Unlike "animals", humans have a creative force that can be beautiful. It motivates all art and can make life so enriching. Just as with all things, though, it is balanced with equal capacity to destroy. So, for every beautiful thing humans create, other humans are creating an ugly image to counteract it.
My point is (I swear it's in here somewhere) that I have very little faith in changing the human world. Everything, to a certain extent, is black and white. For every Gandhi, there is a Hitler. It has been this way and I think it always will be. Our creativity has been around forever, but it hasn't gotten us away from doing horrible "animal-like" atrocities.
With this perspective, I have taken on a more passive existence than before. I continue a vegan lifestyle, but do not yell at others to adopt my point of view. I passively put my life in the light and on the web and want others to live a life that fulfills them. If my life inspires or at least presents something someone has not thought of, then that is enough for me. I think this is all I can do.
To tell you the truth, this post was highly motivated by watching the Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth whats-her-face argument from the View. I stumbled upon it on YouTube and thought, "Goodness gracious, this is such a waste of life!" Then, of course I realized I was becoming a waste of life by using my time to watch it. It did make me think, though, about how useless arguing is and how meaningless it is. Neither of those crazy bitches changed anyone's mind. They just raised blood-pressures and perpetuated humanity's flaw: hating with no real purpose.
So let it be and stop arguing. You have beauty and limitless potential within you, but you combined with 1 million others of the same: religion, political party, activist group, lifestyle, etc, may blend together and forget the brilliance you shine on your own.
I have faith in myself. Not a church. Not a politician. Not an organization (yes.. even PETA).
I choose to love. I swear I'm not a hippie. I hate hippies.
ha.
