riboflavin tastes like ut

i am such a sassy bitch right now.

like, im trying not to cuss as much, but i am straight up sassy bitchy. it's awesome.

i think it has something to do with the fact that im wearing spandex pants at this moment and writing by candlelight. 

dangerous combo.

so, i have reached that groovy more independent single stage in my life. see... i went through the whole "im in a serious relationship" thing, and then I did the whole "what the hell am i doing right now?" thing, and then i did the whole "shit im alone thing", and now i'm doing the whole "hey dude, i dont need you or your ass-pinches (ive always been a fan of the ass-pinch) to make me happy because i have spandex pants and i write by candlelight" thing. 

for the first time in my entire life, i am not looking for someone more to add to my life. i have great friends, a dog with a food allergy, and a reaaaally messy room. these things make me feel alive. 

i saw the grad students perform the secret rapture by david hare today. basically what i got out of the play was that i need to enjoy the present and fucking live life. this doesnt mean i need to go skydiving and those other typical adventures that humans do when they feel stagnant. it means that i need to wake up, smile, and be happy with the situation that surrounds me. this, of course, was difficult to do when tessa first moved to my apartment and would wake me up every morning by rubbing her flat shitzu face on my ass, but now i accept and rather enjoy the early greeting. i may adopt it as my own form of greeting. 

its especially okay when im wearing spandex.

one-a-day women's vitamins are really orange. it makes me feel like i have school spirit and a lot of riboflavin living it up in my cuerpo (spanish for body. geez. read a book or something). maybe riboflavin is school spirit.

yeah. so back to being awesome. 

im a strong single black woman. r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

and i dont use capitalization. 

suck it u t writing lab.

i need to paint. reggie (yea you) i need my paints back.

be happy with what you have. whether it be a lover, a dog, or an advanced calculator, smile thinking about it every morning.

i love you.

(you love me too)

peace, or something like it.

kk

What about Whoopie Goldberg?

Hey. I'm eating a popsicle, listening to cute cheery music, and drinking water from a mug. 

Life is good.

I'm so glad Tessa isn't James Lipton. 

The End Of A Veggie's Tales

First of all, no pity. frick.

GAHH I don't want to do this, but I do.

So this is the hardest post I have ever written. It's awkwardly personal, but it is necessary for me to get this out and maybe of interest to you.

SOOO... let's begin. (this feels like therapy)

A little more than two years ago, I had an eating disorder.

BAM! see.. awkwardly personal.

Anyway, I did not take care of my body, and I didn't eat enough. At the time, all that mattered was my appearance, and I will forever regret this perspective as every day now, for about 2 years, I have been sick because of it. I ruined my bones, my digestive system, and harmed my immune system. Slowly, I grew up and realized I was unhealthy. It was too late, though, and I was already sick. A little after I decided to get healthy, I decided to become a vegetarian because I saw the horrible side of human nature. I saw how selfish we are and how wasteful we are. My new life was not based on eating foods (rather not eating) in order to make me skinny, but rather eating foods that allowed others to live. I was helping animals, the planet, and other people with my vegetarian lifestyle. If felt good.

The past, though, never goes away and my body still suffers from the selfish and irresponsible life I lived before. I have been to sooooo many doctors, had soooo many tests, and am on soooo many meds, but my body just doesn't work anymore like it did. For 2 years, I have been able to cope with it, but I have breakdowns every once and a while when I realize that I never really feel good anymore. It wears on a person to know he or she can't go out and do certain things because of health concerns. Lately, especially, I have been really upset by my limited choice in activities. The fact that I have suppressed this struggle just makes it worse. 

So, for the first time in over 2 years, I have decided to take care of my body and add some meat back into my diet. WHOA.. don't get the wrong idea though. 

BEING A VEGETARIAN IS A HEALTHIER AND MORE RESPONSIBLE LIFESTYLE

for most

But because I have pre-existing health problems, especially with my digestive system, that already limit the foods i can eat (I can't eat a lot of raw veggies, anything spicy, too many fruits, things with too much fat, really grainy foods, or milk) then being a vegetarian has made my menu consist of very few repeated meals. Now, along with the other health concerns, I have deficiencies in nutrients. Basically, I'm falling apart all because I cared so much about the media's image of beauty. I ruined any chance of having "normal" health ever again because of it, but by adding a small amount of meat into my diet, I am hugely expanding the variety of food I can eat and the nutrients I will get. This, hopefully, will at least ease the day-to-day pain and make me a more complete person. 

I am still an animal rights activist and vegetarian at heart, but have chosen to be a little selfish and recover some right now. I feel like a disappointment; I feel like I'm being weak; and I feel hugely guilty, but I know I have to take care of my basic needs before I can go out and change the world. I have to be alive before I can make a difference, and going on this way, my body may just shut down completely.

Hopefully, when I get through with college, the stress and other health factors will decrease and I can go back to a healthy vegetarianism. A veggie, though, who cannot eat raw fruits, vegetables, nuts, peanut butter, and milk, is not healthy. 

Right now I just want to feel good and be able to be active and energetic like I was before college. I miss sports and running and just living without feeling shitty. 

There it is in all it's unexpected and awkward splendor. I feel like I need to make a joke now because I feel exposed and stupid, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to let this one be. 

I have no problem talking about these things, by the way. So, if you read this and then see me, you don't have to feel uncomfortable or like you can't bring it up. 

I think I'm most worried that I don't have an identity without being the vegetarian. I mean... that's who I am, I think. It's scary to not really have that anymore.

Shit.

What a rogue and peasant slave am I!

Pretend the gatorade bottle is a skull and that I am a 30ish year old man.

So I am failing miserably at school right now. I'm that girl who makes good grades and tells bad grades to suck it, but this semester they won't suck it. It's right there. Just freaking suck it. 

I am too distracted by personal things to do well in school right now. I am not good at organizing my tasks and thoughts and concerns and underwear. I think about everything at once, and it is starting to drive me mad.

My advice for you is to not take my advice right now. I need your advice! WHERE THE FFK IS YOUR BLOG?! I give, and I give, and I give it good. oh yea...  but you just sit and take it and never give back. 

I feel like everything I say is sexual. 

I need a hug and whiskey. Actually, I get heartburn so no hug.