Apologies to Maine Strippers are in Order/ A job resume

Jobs!

Am I right???

This is what's beautiful to me: 

I looked at the stats of my blog and saw where people were finding it. Google, twitter, facebook, etc. all made the list. One search in particular, though, made me really proud of myself. We all do things in the world. Some do bigger things than others. And when I say brilliant statements such as that, it's no wonder that the latter describes me. Apparently, in the past, someone was searching on Bing or Google or something for "gia stripper maine" and they got directed to my blog. And I know they weren't disappointed. Yeah, they were looking for  a stripper in Maine and I am close but not exactly that.... so I can see why Mr. or Mrs. Needs A Stripper from Maine may be slightly dismayed by that discovery. But (second sentence I have started with a conjunction. this girl takes risks. we should hire her ((voice of prospective employer that is checking my blog and ignoring all the inappropriate aspects and seeing the grammatical risks and adventurous word explorations that I make), in a metaphorical sense, Mr. or Mrs. Needs A Stripper from Maine got to see me strip with metaphorical teasing and metaphorical pasties with metaphorical tassels spinnin'. Have you seen my metaphorical pasties?? They are fantastic. Anyway, my point is, when someone is looking for a stripper, Bing and Google know that what they really need is to read my blog. Yeah... I am probably taking business away from all the Gias in Maine, but I'm probably just motivating them to go back to school to become as successful as I am (I measure success by the amount of ridiculous statements one makes about him or herself.)

And that is why you should hire me, (enter Employer name here). Because I start sentences with "and" "but" and "because" and I take business away from strippers.

Gia (First Maine, next the World)

Don't look at me like that

Oh what!????!

I'm working on my stand-up material! Isn't that enough?? OH now you want me to go try it out somewhere! Who died and made you my friggin' life coach!??????! If it was me, I was drunk and have no recollection of it so move on!


PS. I'm taking your advice and working on my cursing. Notice above I said "friggin."

I'm also working on my drinking. For a couple of reasons.

And I'm working on my anger issues.


You really would be a superb life coach.


Still... Back off. Thanks.





Sorry.

I wear scarves, but people still aren't getting how important I am....

I want to have my own business. Like tomorrow.

I just really need to tell more people what to do. Right now, I'm only telling my cat and my boyfriend what to do and my cat has no respect for me and my boyfriend doesn't count because that's just what boyfriends do... what their girlfriends tell them to do. (He is going to get pissed when he reads this. Of this I am aware and for this I am prepared).

This very loud, very pissed homeless woman carrying a very large bag was yelling quite loudly out behind my apartment building today. I didn't want to seem nosy, so I cracked the window to hear better, and I closed the blind so she couldn't tell what I was doing. She was calling someone a ******fucker and demanding that he or she change his or her attitude. I peeked through the blinds and realized that she was talking to no one. At least no one in the visual spectrum. At that moment I realized I am very close to becoming that woman. If I don't have someone to boss around and quick, I'm going to have to resort to publicly humiliating non-existent people.

Today I needed Sour Cream and Onion potato chips more than I needed oxygen. So, I walked to the grocery story to get them. And I got them.

That demonstrates my ability to take a task and complete it successfully... just in case anyone who may be interested in hiring me is reading this...

Why did I capitalize "Sour Cream and Onion" but not "potato" or "chips"?

I ask the tough questions.

It annoys me when strawberry flavored things are pink. Strawberries aren't pink.

There are so many problems in this world. If I was boss, there wouldn't be any problems.


K. So, I'm going to go yell at my cat. Talk to you later.



-Katie the Boss Lady

Back and gone all at once.

One day you're sitting in class gettin pissed at 143 year old professors teaching you about their favorite wool jacket rather than teaching you anything relevant to the world, and the next day you are actually in the real world and you realize that 4 day lecture on the quality of wool and its origins was probably the most relevant thing you learned in college.

I am sitting in my new downtown apartment right now in Washington (State.... not D.C. I'm not a poser ((I'm creating a rivalry between Washington State and D.C. I made t-shirts)). I just cooked my fella and I dinner. He went to bed because he has work early in the morning so I am awake in our living room that only has a floor lamp and an antique dining room table in it, and I'm listening to jazz on NPR. So much has changed, and yet so little. I'm still a tool and a poser (NOT THE D.C. KIND! gross! We covered that!)

I live across the country, and really everything is the same. Oh except for I live with my boyfriend; I have no friends or family within 2000 miles of me, and a few other things may have changed. More on that later (CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!) I mean... I guess pretty much everything is different. I'm basically a Stepford Housewife now. I pack my boy's breakfast and lunch every day.


Pause for you to judge me and to stop reading in response to that judgement



Pause for you to regain your senses and come back to my blog to finish reading


Welcome back.


These sugary, slimy housewifey things I do, though, make me happy. I mean... I'm taking care of him. He goes to work all day, and no one in Washington state is stupid or desperate enough yet to have hired me (Should have moved to D.C.), so I look for jobs all day and clean and write and watch The Office... so why shouldn't I make his food? It feels good to help people.

Who am I?




Even with all these changes, though, I am still the same sassy latina white girl who knows nothing except for everything. I still put lots of unnecessary spaces in my blog

(I know that's

comforting for you). I still sit and over-think everything and stress an ungodly amount, all the while preaching to others not to stress and live the Taoist go-with-the-flow way. I still feel like me. I have not changed. Everything around me has, but I feel the same, except my boobs are bigger.

So let me throw this atcha. The housewife that raised you and the 143 year old professor that teaches you and the anarchisty pissant (I'm not gunna lie.. I don't know what a pissant is) that sits behind you in class and scratches things into his desk and mutters pessimistic quotes about the American dream and that homeless woman that makes up poetry for money on the side of the street and the soldier that fights in Afghanistan and the hippie that smells like rotten plant life and looks a little rotten himself and the pale blogger chick that thinks she knows something no one else knows may appear a certain way on the outside, but who they are is something they only understand. Just like I look like a housewife right now but do not fit that stereotype because I am also an artist and a hippie and a writer and douchebag. It does not matter what you do or where you live (as long as it's not D.C.). It only matters if you know yourself and love what you know. Oh and it also doesn't hurt to have someone else that knows you pretty darn well too.

So fellow recent graduates and seniors on their journey towards graduation... don't put all this pressure on yourself to do something big or crazy or awesome or amazing as soon as you graduate to prove to your professors and parents and friends and asshole boss that you learned something and are something great and that you won't be the typical college graduate who has to move back in with the parents and becomes a server or works at a coffee shop. I know I felt this pressure but have realized that those people that I was pressuring myself to impress have their own lives to worry about and don't give a shit what you do. If they actually care about you, they just want you to be happy.

Oh and it's true. A wool jacket is very handy, especially in Washington.

I am a little disappointed in this blog post, but it is my first one in a while so I'm going to give myself a break. You should too.... give me a break that is. Not yourself one. You have no excuse for what you did.



I miss you all.

I think.



I don't know what I feel. That's about the only thing I don't know.




-Katie-the-Downtown-Washington-but-still-the-Same-Girl-From-UT Lady

This is a picture from my bedroom window.




(I still enjoy lying)