A Day in the Life

Hey world, 

I am constantly redefining myself. But just because I'm loosing, doesn't mean I'm lost.

Isn't it weird how men, specifically Republicans love me, it's like.... whoa I'm a gun and Republicans love guns.

Things I love:  men that love to sit on my couch, old movies, and my mac when it is sitting upon a table top in Panera.

More importantly, I worry about a lot. Animals. Frick. Daily vitamin intake. frick. cooties. FRICK!

I hope social security doesn't run out, we owe it to society to fund the alcoholics.  

I love to be bookmarked, it's like speed dial but often time boobs are involved. 

Bow ties!!!!!! Grand ole party. Goodnight. 

11%!

So, I have 11% battery right now. What can I say that is totally freakin' sweet in 11% worth of time?

I should probably avoid saying things like "totally freakin' sweet" to start off.

only 10%!

I want to be less afraid of life. I'm scared of sharks, vehicular homicide, feet, breaking a bone, not finding my purpose in life, carpet burn (sounds scandalous), and a multitude of other things.

If I was less afraid, I would jump off of cliffs, drive four-wheelers, knit, and so much more. 

My challenge for you, World, is to try something new and out of your comfort zone today.

Gah I hope I don't break a foot bone in a car accident after a carpet delivery truck swerves into my lane while im on my way to the aquarium.

Now, I've jinxed it.

Love,

me

Back and bloggier than ever

So I have been on a retreat away from blogging. For a while, I had grown weary of the exposure and constant fan following that resulted from my brilliant blogging abilities. I had a nervous breakdown, started clubbing with no panties on, and then went to rehab.

Now I am back and more ridiculous than I was before. I'm still panty-less though.

Something needs to change, though. I need a new gimmick. You are tired of the whiney self-analysis that my posts evolved into.

So, let's go back to the roots of this little blog thing. This blog thing started as a step for the movement of animal rights. As I grew up, though, it became more about self-discovery and reevaluation of the passions I held.

The plan, as of now, is to take what I have learned about myself and weave these things into posts about social issues. Basically, I'm still that hippie veggie chick with a bone to pick with society, just a little less hippie and little less veggie and a little less chick. I mean..I'm still a girl, I just think I've grown from a chick to a...chicken?

So, let's jump right on in here. ka-pow, and here we go;

Today, I observed an intense discussion in my sociology class on the criminal justice system, particularly on the death penalty. I did not partake in this discussion a) because it's at 8 in the morning, and I don't believe in discussion before 9:30 and b) because I was fascinated by the sociology present within the sociological discussion. Discussions seem to bring out the extreme opinions of people. There is very little middle ground because it is set up like a debate, an argument, in which there must be two poles that are equally defensive of their beliefs. Voices get louder and more shrill. Hands fly up like they smackin a big ol' booty as soon as people think of a retort. What is really interesting, though, are the bonds that are made within a class of mainly strangers. People feel connected to those that agree with them and the individual's ideas are reaffirmed in their minds. Before, I would have shouted from a very large hill my ideas to the class and then blogged about how wrong others were. Today, I'm much more chill. I'm a noticer. I sit and notice things. I'm like a stalker of social issues. It's creepy, but it feels so good.

What I learned is that people hate to listen. Like (this "like" is completely unnecessary, by the way)... we hate having to wait our turn. We hate having to pause and really consider what the other side says. Think about it. If you are, say, pro-choice and there is a "discussion" on abortion, are you really considering the ideas of the pro-life folks or are you thinking about how to prove them wrong? I'm not saying that thinking of arguments is wrong, I'm merely observing the futility of discussion. The other side is doing the same thing.

It is my belief that minds, hearts, and souls are only changed when personal experience lends itself towards that change. I became a vegan when I learned for myself the traumatic life of the consumed animal. Therefore, it is not my goal, with this blog or in life, to convert the world to my perspective. I now realize that a) I cannot change anyone or tell anyone what to do and b) my own perspective is vulnerable to change because I am human and not all-knowing.

My morals tell me that I must ALWAYS be open to change my opinion about things. I must always be learning more, absorbing more information. Also, I must always put out there what my current beliefs are so that others can benefit from my life-experiences and understanding of things. This doesn't mean I have to literally constantly be holding a megaphone and keeping people posted on how I feel about the world (although, admit it World, you'd like it if I did). I am saying that there must be an openness in my life to talk about the taboo topics and daunting social issues.

As humans, I think we are very closed off in many ways. Maybe it's an instinctual protection thing. 'Thing" is such a dumb word. It's a "I feel very protective of my beliefs because they are what make me, me so I fight with those who try to take them away"...kinda thing. If we would just take a sigh of relief and then let the air flow back in calmly and openly, then life on earth would be so much less confrontational. It would be more about learning and growing than about separating and destroying.

Peace and unity have become stereotyped as hippie-stoner things, but should be norms. They are the things (stop saying "thing!") that could actually make everyone happy.

Happiness is the goal, but as long as society is divisive then someone is always unhappy and feeling left out. Then that person hurts others in response to these feelings, and soon the hate passes around the world and people always have someone to be mad at.

Find peace within yourself, with your flaws, with your gifts, and with your haircolor, and you will inevitably find the peace within everyone else. You appreciate the flaws and gifts of others (never the haircolor though) and find it harder to hate.

STOP RANTING

OK. Sorry, I haven't blogged in a while and I could literally type all day. So... I will leave the library now and maybe go to class or something.

I hate class.
I hate teachers.
I hate society.
I'm going to commit a crime now.

OH the irony.

I feel like this blog is as futile as the discussion in my class.

Crap.

OH the irony.

ok bye.

(Just because I'm losin...)

So I'm sad.

I mean.. it's ok. 

I got great news today but for whatever reason my stupid brain counteracts such news with overthinking and self-loathing.

Then, I saw Gran Torino. Great movie, but sad.

So I'm sad.

We all get sad. It's healthy. As cliche as it is, it makes the happy times...happy.

I want to say more but I'm too in my own head at this moment so I will spread my words of wisdom and greatness (at least my sadness hasn't affected my humility) tomorrow. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be when this all makes sense. Tomorrow I will learn why I am sad and turn it into a life lesson.

But now, I will mope (just a little) and read some Chekov.

If you are sad, you are not alone so never feel that way. Lonely is the worst kind of sad.

If you are happy, cherish it and use it to accomplish all you want.

What do I want?

hmm....

sounds like a post.

(...doesn't mean I'm lost)

I HATE BREAK!

That was a little harsh, break. I'm sorry for that.

It's just...it's just (sniffle)... it's cold, and boring, and stressful, and materialistic, and expensive, and poopy. 

Sniggle is a funny word. 

My brother has a Playboy bunny guitar pick. I'm going to have to beat him up.

I have more to say, but my fingers are hurting so I will continue when i feel like it.

Postcards from Far Away

I am emotional right now. I'm listening to some beautiful music and thinking on Christmas and how it has changed for me. It's strange when you look around and the people, places, and things that used to make you feel so comfortable and joyful all of a sudden seem so flat- lacking the magic they once held. I do not wish to complain about such things, but rather observe them and decide what they mean. 

Today, I spent time with the Whittenburg side of the family for our Christmas. Certain smells and sounds always represent these Whittenburg reunions. I smell ham, cigarettes, flowers, and pumpkin, and hear laughter, really forceful southern accents, and some nagging noises from the chattering women. While the cigarettes and the nagging are a damper, now especially, when I was young all of these smells and sounds felt so familiar and like they belonged to a part of me. Of course I have always hated having to deal with the comments on how tall I'm getting, how my hair is too long, how I'm withering away and need to eat more biscuits, but these kinds of statements are how people who love you but never see you show that they notice you and do really care. As I have aged, though, I see more and hear more and am losing the innocence that made things so magical. Every moment feels sharp, like I'm waiting for the criticism or the back-handed compliment. All discussions revolve around failing body parts and disgust towards other family members, particularly spouses. Let us not forget the constant presence of racism, sexism, and those other isms that so many areas in the south, especially Crossville, seem to be so fond of. I feel ugly, stupid, and so obligated. Everything is so obligated. What is worse, is that this is to be expected in our society. Family becomes a burden. The old lose their value as they age. We put them in homes and yet keep them alive as long as possible with our ever-developing medical advances. I see how treating the elderly this way is horrible and how feeling the way I do towards my own family is tragic, yet I see no way of preventing it.

The reunion today was spent mainly in a nursing home. I sought refuge in conversation with my brother and tried to be cute and sweet so everyone could observe me. It is the only way to stay off their gossip list. I left with the worst heartburn, anxiety, and exhaustion and was so relieved to be in my own room. That is so sad to me. My family makes me physically ill. I don't blame them. I blame life.

I didn't mean to rant like that. I guess I'm just overwhelmed with how detached I am from my roots now. I don't feel that kinship, that sense of belonging, that is so necessary for a human. I love my parents and my brother so much, but they have their own lives and their own family traditions that have evolved in my absence. It is to be expected- they must move on as I must move on, but I don't think anyone expected me to change as much as I have and for our views to diverge so significantly. 

Friends are wonderful. Lovers are beautiful. But for me, Family is necessary and mine seems so broken. 

NOW I am very blessed because I have parents who are in love and we are a relatively stable unit- the four of us, so I do not want anyone to think that I think I have it SOOO bad. I do want it to be known, though, that all families can be fucked up, even those who look so picturesque. Isn't there something wrong with that? Why does life have to be so antagonistic? 

Dumb question, but why can't we all just get along?

What I learned today, through all the tension and awkwardness and sadness and sickness, is that family is really important to me- a fact that I have neglected for several years now. The problem is that each individual within the family has his or her own problems, and I feel my family has not done a good enough job of looking outside the individual and onto the group. I am guilty of this and so is everyone else in the Whittenburg/Schrumpf family. 

Schrumpf is such a horrible last name. I mean.. the F is silent! No wonder we are Fucked. 

My advice to humanity is to reach out to your family. When your family is close, you never feel quite as alone.

I know because I can get pretty lonely. I'm learning though, and things are becoming clearer every day. 

I have a little help from Coldplay.

And amphetamines. 

And Tums.

And casual sexual experiences.

And lying.

And making videos of me dancing in a onesy.

And overdosing the world with blogging.

And you.

I love you.

Don't die

I can't blog because my brain does not function.

OH if only my mind would function!

Can you tell me what play that is from?  Prove it! If you can, I'll give you a private dance in my onesy. 

I can't be witty anymore; I can't sleep anymore either! I am on Tylenol PM and nothing. No sleeps here. 

It gets very lonely when you are awake at 6 in the am and your mind is cloudy. It's not that I'm not tired. I'm exhausted. Too exhausted to blog, or paint, or bake, or steal. I'm too awake to sleep though. Know what I'm sayin?

My phone has a screensaver. 

If I die, I do not want anyone putting those window decals on their car that say "In loving memory of Katlyn (or Weird Girl or whatever you call me these days)." I also do not want to be buried in a $10,000 box. I want to be cremated and dispersed on a cow factory farm. That way, whenever people eat meat they will think of me, and either say "mmm she tastes good (which is very nice of you to say) or hopefully say "what all went into this burger? I appreciate the death of this cow and hope it did not suffer. I will now petition to my government to improve the conditions of factory farms and will value the importance of animals in my own life even more." You may paraphrase the second one.

Now, I feel like because I talked about me dying that I am actually going to die and everyone is going to think I killed myself because this post will be considered a suicide note. 

I am regretting this post.

I need sleep.

Seriously, consider your food and also call me because I am not sleeping and am very bored. 

Suck it.

I apologize for the "suck it."

Katlyn