If I'm Nude, I'm Nervous

So I just had a moment:

I am incapable of making new friends.

This I realized while I was naked in the shower (my place of thought). Finding this out while being naked was sad in and of itself (saying "in and of itself at the end of a sentence is like wearing your thong higher than your jeans). Am I incapable of making new friends because of the way I look naked? And if so, how does everyone know what I look like naked?

I digress.

It is not that I am incapable of making new friends because I have weird shoe-polish breath or have an obsession with other people's deodorant. It is that every time I meet someone, we get along, we have fun, we get along, fun is had, and then I find excuses in my mind of why I am too busy to continue contacting them. 

I am incapable of maintaining new relationships. I am very freaking serious right now. It scares me.

I am very much partially freaking out at this moment. I would be very much completely freaking out if I were naked. I may just get naked in the living room right now to indulge in a full-on nude nervous breakdown.

I wont. Carrie just walked in to get water. She looked at me like she was glad I was clothed. I don't get that look too often (you know.. because everyone wants to see me naked). 

See  that parenthetical display of overconfidence! I am hiding in those parentheses by making a joke and avoiding my deficiency in character.

All of these manic thoughts came into mind when I started thinking about Blanche from Streetcar Named Desire. I am playing her in my acting class and trying very hard to bring this complex character to life. In the midst of trying to act as another person, I uncovered a very dark and upsetting place within my own psyche. I never know how to use the word psyche. 

Real talk: I'm worried that I am crazy. I want to know why I cannot relax and enjoy the good in my life. Why must I constantly blog about these higher issues and intense psychological questions? Why can I not let myself just be happy?

Why can I not let myself let new people in my life? Let is a funny word. Let...let, let, let, let, let, let.

Well, I know there are many answers for such questions and I fear delving into any of them. I guess I'm going to have to. Or I'm going to have to buy a bunch of cats. 

Do you remember Shep Huntleigh?

So you're reading this and asking yourself, "Why am I reading this?"

BECAUSE, as always, reading my blog makes you feel better about yourself. Sad! That's mean. 

See.. I was about to publish this post after that last statement but then I felt really unsatisfied. I always blog for answers, but this blog has left me with no answers and many more questions. That is more than mildly frustrating! 

I have reached the nucleus of Katlyn and don't know where to go from here. Her nucleus resembles a Mexican ghetto where things are sketchy yet sexy . 

She has begun speaking in third person.

SHE IS CRAZY!

She must be naked.

OH and I have pictures (from post before this one) but it is cold as a witch's titty outside and I'm wearing spandex, which is great for aerobics and making others feel uncomfortable but not so good for cold weather ventures to the car to get a camera. I will post them later today though. 

"Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard."

Today is a step towards tomorrow

Hi.

See... I saw Coldplay last night. 

Coldplay is my band. Not to say that it is no one else's. Coldplay is everyone's but not everyone accepts Coldplay. What I mean is that Coldplay's music is the music that defines moments for me. When I struggled, I Coldplayed. When I celebrated, I Coldplayed. When I didn't know what to do, I Coldplayed. So, seeing them live has been basically a lifetime goal of mine. 

I got to go yesterday.

I was exhausted from driving, being sick, and eating a giant pretzel so I had zoned out for a bit while the opening band played. Then, though, they played some Jay Z while the roadies were doing their business and of course my shoulders started bumpin' and my hips started swayin' and my eyes started bulgin' (it's weird but it happens). So, I was awake and happy, then a classical song came on. I don't know the name of it, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't Jay Z. These two songs set the tone for the night. It was sheer brilliance to start the night that way.

THEN, "Life in Technicolor" could be heard slowly building in volume, the lights went out, and four figures happily skipping and dancing behind a screen could be seen. I IMMEDIATELY stood up, put my hands to my face, and cried like I was having a baby... which in a sense I was. They hadn't said/sung a word and were only figures behind a screen, but they immediately reached me, impregnated me, and told me they would be there for the delivery. 

I say things.

I cried the entire first half of the show. What was more amazing is that I wasn't even thinking. My mind was completely speechless. I was completely unaware of myself. Only Coldplay can do that for me. 

Seeing the concert, enjoying Chris Martin's perfect sense of humor, seeing the passion of the band, and feeling myself cry for an hour made the night life-altering. 

I'm one of those people that over-thinks everything! I worry and stress and self-judge so much. I have doubts that anyone is really capable of love. I doubt the presence of "good" in people. Sometimes I think we are all just selfish, but because we are all this way we are too selfish to notice everyone else not caring about us. I see the horrible things we do to animals and the planet and feel that humans are incapable of TRUE selflessness. It is as if humans will sacrifice things when it makes a big gesture and gets us credit. But, when the sacrifice is something that affects our daily lives and will be less noticed, then we deem it ridiculous and going against "human nature." 

Human nature... what the fuck does that even mean???

This concert though brought out a completely uncritical me. My heart was exposed and I felt that love is real and attainable for me. I still think people have a great distance to go before we can claim to be the "higher beings," but for that night I could feel the energy that bonds us all together and could lead to great things. We need to find the universal Coldplay that brings out this sense of unity and love within all of us. If we stop seeing him as a democrat, her as a republican, him as a Jew, her as a dance,dance,revolution superstar, then we can see this amazing group of beings-humanity- as something we are all a part of. You are a part of something great. I am a part of something great. Look at all humanity has done. We are each a part of that (good and bad). Own that, and we can see that all people (from prisoners to kings) are with us. Maybe then, we can understand each other.

Do I think it is possible to reach Utopia? I never did, but last night changed something for me.

"They are turning my head out, to see what I'm all about. Keeping my head down, to see what if feels like now, but I have no doubt. Someday the sun will come out."

Oh and just because I am eating meat right now does not mean I have forgotten how much I despise the meat industry.

I understand meat-eaters much more now. I, though, still fight for a new meat industry that supports the health of its consumers and avoids all torture. Utopia will be a world without torture. Death will be a part of life, but suffering wont.

Obama.. do you agree? I hope so.

riboflavin tastes like ut

i am such a sassy bitch right now.

like, im trying not to cuss as much, but i am straight up sassy bitchy. it's awesome.

i think it has something to do with the fact that im wearing spandex pants at this moment and writing by candlelight. 

dangerous combo.

so, i have reached that groovy more independent single stage in my life. see... i went through the whole "im in a serious relationship" thing, and then I did the whole "what the hell am i doing right now?" thing, and then i did the whole "shit im alone thing", and now i'm doing the whole "hey dude, i dont need you or your ass-pinches (ive always been a fan of the ass-pinch) to make me happy because i have spandex pants and i write by candlelight" thing. 

for the first time in my entire life, i am not looking for someone more to add to my life. i have great friends, a dog with a food allergy, and a reaaaally messy room. these things make me feel alive. 

i saw the grad students perform the secret rapture by david hare today. basically what i got out of the play was that i need to enjoy the present and fucking live life. this doesnt mean i need to go skydiving and those other typical adventures that humans do when they feel stagnant. it means that i need to wake up, smile, and be happy with the situation that surrounds me. this, of course, was difficult to do when tessa first moved to my apartment and would wake me up every morning by rubbing her flat shitzu face on my ass, but now i accept and rather enjoy the early greeting. i may adopt it as my own form of greeting. 

its especially okay when im wearing spandex.

one-a-day women's vitamins are really orange. it makes me feel like i have school spirit and a lot of riboflavin living it up in my cuerpo (spanish for body. geez. read a book or something). maybe riboflavin is school spirit.

yeah. so back to being awesome. 

im a strong single black woman. r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

and i dont use capitalization. 

suck it u t writing lab.

i need to paint. reggie (yea you) i need my paints back.

be happy with what you have. whether it be a lover, a dog, or an advanced calculator, smile thinking about it every morning.

i love you.

(you love me too)

peace, or something like it.

kk

What about Whoopie Goldberg?

Hey. I'm eating a popsicle, listening to cute cheery music, and drinking water from a mug. 

Life is good.

I'm so glad Tessa isn't James Lipton. 

The End Of A Veggie's Tales

First of all, no pity. frick.

GAHH I don't want to do this, but I do.

So this is the hardest post I have ever written. It's awkwardly personal, but it is necessary for me to get this out and maybe of interest to you.

SOOO... let's begin. (this feels like therapy)

A little more than two years ago, I had an eating disorder.

BAM! see.. awkwardly personal.

Anyway, I did not take care of my body, and I didn't eat enough. At the time, all that mattered was my appearance, and I will forever regret this perspective as every day now, for about 2 years, I have been sick because of it. I ruined my bones, my digestive system, and harmed my immune system. Slowly, I grew up and realized I was unhealthy. It was too late, though, and I was already sick. A little after I decided to get healthy, I decided to become a vegetarian because I saw the horrible side of human nature. I saw how selfish we are and how wasteful we are. My new life was not based on eating foods (rather not eating) in order to make me skinny, but rather eating foods that allowed others to live. I was helping animals, the planet, and other people with my vegetarian lifestyle. If felt good.

The past, though, never goes away and my body still suffers from the selfish and irresponsible life I lived before. I have been to sooooo many doctors, had soooo many tests, and am on soooo many meds, but my body just doesn't work anymore like it did. For 2 years, I have been able to cope with it, but I have breakdowns every once and a while when I realize that I never really feel good anymore. It wears on a person to know he or she can't go out and do certain things because of health concerns. Lately, especially, I have been really upset by my limited choice in activities. The fact that I have suppressed this struggle just makes it worse. 

So, for the first time in over 2 years, I have decided to take care of my body and add some meat back into my diet. WHOA.. don't get the wrong idea though. 

BEING A VEGETARIAN IS A HEALTHIER AND MORE RESPONSIBLE LIFESTYLE

for most

But because I have pre-existing health problems, especially with my digestive system, that already limit the foods i can eat (I can't eat a lot of raw veggies, anything spicy, too many fruits, things with too much fat, really grainy foods, or milk) then being a vegetarian has made my menu consist of very few repeated meals. Now, along with the other health concerns, I have deficiencies in nutrients. Basically, I'm falling apart all because I cared so much about the media's image of beauty. I ruined any chance of having "normal" health ever again because of it, but by adding a small amount of meat into my diet, I am hugely expanding the variety of food I can eat and the nutrients I will get. This, hopefully, will at least ease the day-to-day pain and make me a more complete person. 

I am still an animal rights activist and vegetarian at heart, but have chosen to be a little selfish and recover some right now. I feel like a disappointment; I feel like I'm being weak; and I feel hugely guilty, but I know I have to take care of my basic needs before I can go out and change the world. I have to be alive before I can make a difference, and going on this way, my body may just shut down completely.

Hopefully, when I get through with college, the stress and other health factors will decrease and I can go back to a healthy vegetarianism. A veggie, though, who cannot eat raw fruits, vegetables, nuts, peanut butter, and milk, is not healthy. 

Right now I just want to feel good and be able to be active and energetic like I was before college. I miss sports and running and just living without feeling shitty. 

There it is in all it's unexpected and awkward splendor. I feel like I need to make a joke now because I feel exposed and stupid, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to let this one be. 

I have no problem talking about these things, by the way. So, if you read this and then see me, you don't have to feel uncomfortable or like you can't bring it up. 

I think I'm most worried that I don't have an identity without being the vegetarian. I mean... that's who I am, I think. It's scary to not really have that anymore.

Shit.

What a rogue and peasant slave am I!

Pretend the gatorade bottle is a skull and that I am a 30ish year old man.

So I am failing miserably at school right now. I'm that girl who makes good grades and tells bad grades to suck it, but this semester they won't suck it. It's right there. Just freaking suck it. 

I am too distracted by personal things to do well in school right now. I am not good at organizing my tasks and thoughts and concerns and underwear. I think about everything at once, and it is starting to drive me mad.

My advice for you is to not take my advice right now. I need your advice! WHERE THE FFK IS YOUR BLOG?! I give, and I give, and I give it good. oh yea...  but you just sit and take it and never give back. 

I feel like everything I say is sexual. 

I need a hug and whiskey. Actually, I get heartburn so no hug.