My paintings do not look like vaginas

Jessica "obsessed with vaginas" Badali, my roommate and sworn enemy, seems to think that everything I paint looks like vaginas, and it is just not true! Shoo. 

She would be really pissed at me for putting Jessica "obsessed with vaginas" Badali as her name, but we all know that no one really reads this so I can pretty much say what I want.

I am in a very good mood right now?

Yea.. that is a question. Why is that a question? Because it's my blog, and I can do what I want. Also, because I am somewhat shocked by my mood.

As you can tell from some past blog posts, I have a real negative side to me that likes to whine and moan (but not in a sexual way; I mean... it's not that I don't like to moan in a sexual way... I mean... not that I'm a whore... I mean... not that I..... awkward). 

I could have just erased that whole moment, but I like for my paying customers to get a good sense of the crazy ways I think. 

ANYWAYS. I woke up this mornin' listening to The Doors, which is kind of random for me, but it set the tone for a kind of kick ass day.

Now I will only blog what I did today only using nouns because I do what I want.

I psychology freshmen questions me binders I job server stadium lunch Andi friend bobby soxer meeting SETC amigos theatre blog party mugs.

That's right... I had a blog party with my mugs.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? 

I took a shower in the middle of the day. Clean pores can really lift your spirits. AND I'm wearing wedgie panties. Most people would think that is a bad thing, but I think it is a great challenge to try to pick wedgies without passerbys noticing. I get a rush. 

What if I am writing this right now while I'm naked, and you are reading this right now while you are naked?

I'm going to read some antes de ir a la fiesta.

MESSAGE OF THE DAY: Be okay with the wedgies of life.

-New Katlyn

Freeze your blood, then stab it into me.

HEINOUS PICTURE! But it needs to happen.

Sorry for the intense post title. It is part of a Modest Mouse song and it is somehow relevant... 

Relationships are wearing me out.

This is why I love animals.

I am a person who is obsessed with life. I am fascinated by the weird coincidences and beautiful patterns that daily present themselves in nature. One only has to actually look at something... really take the time to focus the eyes on the river, the trees, the crazy UT squirrels, etc. to understand the grandness of every single drop of matter that surrounds us. The problem is that people get in the way and muck all this up.

I say this because I am disappointed in people, and sometimes I would love to do the whole Thoreau thing and jump around alone in the woods for a while and write a book that would make me look less crazy and more brilliant. The problem with that is that I actually love people and lately I am not feeling the love in return. It feels like everyone is whirling around me, smiling, laughing at what I have to say, sending me fun facebook messages, but none of it is solid... real. 

I have only been to one acting class this semester so far, but it is kind of my thing, and one moment in that theatre realm can wake me up. My professor was talking about finding intimacy on stage. Intimacy is what brings life into art. Now, I wish people (i am including myself) could learn to bring art into life. Why can we not be real like a two act play? Why can't we create heavy moments of startling love or intense anger? Why do we have to mask our words in sarcasm, fake laughs, jokes, or unnecessary gossip, thus procrastinating the process of really knowing one another, instead of saying what we are really thinking... what we are really feeling. I am obsessed with life but I don't feel like I am really living it. I feel we are all so scared of reality. 

I am.

It's why I am an actor. I can get out all of these feelings and really explore the things I never say and put them out there with no fear of being truly rejected. 

Plus, acting feeds my huge ego and my desire to feel important in this big big world (hence the blog).

I find it interesting the progression of my blog. My dedicated readers (they're out there somewhere... mainly crazy UT squirrels) have probably noticed how it began as an intense animal rights mission and now is more about finding inner peace. i hate that term "inner peace". I hate it... but I use it. My inner peace is fleeting, but when I have it, I feel it in by belly.

Where is your inner peace?

Have you found it yet? 

Erase your face, erase your thoughts, and simply be for a moment. Your peace will be there. Not your piece though. Put that away. Not loaded. That is how children die. Dead children are not a means to inner peace.

Ya know what I'm sayin'?????

Keep it real, yo.

My first step to keeping it real is to realize I am white. It's a process.

KKtheKoolKid

The Wisdom of Thoreau In One Look

Now you know I mean business

Continue reading if your mind isn't already blown.

Walden

(some pics coming soon)

The summer is ending finally. The chillins are back in school and the housewives can finally focus on their soaps. As for me, I am moving back to the ville of the knox variety and looking forward to a lot of classes and being busy. 

I spent the beginning of my summer just wasting time and stressing out over the fact that I was wasting time by stressing out about wasting time. As my jobless existence during this summer continued, though, I learned how to be a content... possibly even stress-free.... human being. I got like 25 books at once, found some new music, got out my paints, and went outdoors. I decided that although I am a worthless sack of vegan lethargy, I could use this summer to figure out why I am the anxious and daffy blonde that I am. What makes me tick so to speak. Oh.. and I tick. You've never seen someone tick like I tick. TICK!

Okay.... that was a good example. Why do I do that crap?

Soul searchin' commenced and I found out that I am pretty awesome.

Not really...

I did figure out that I am happiest when I feel like I am bettering myself. For the longest time, I avoided doing that. That sounds bizarre coming from me, I know. I mean... I am so much better than you that how could I not have been constantly bettering myself? But it's true. I would watch TV, facebook, go to the gym, and basically live my life with metaphorical ear muffs on. I did not want to face the fact that I wasn't happy. I did not want to face the things that I knew would be hard to change but were necessary to change in order to finally get those fuzzy ear muffs off (metaphorical ear muffs are most stylish and practical when fuzzy). This summer slapped my metaphorical ass into metaphorical place one night. 

See.. what happened was I slept with this homeless man ( I think he was a man) in order to avoid my issues. That was the night I realized that grocery carts and cups full of change are not sexy and are not a means to happiness.

Actually, I sat up all night waiting for the next day to come and realized that I had nothing to do the next day. I got sad. I got mad. THEN I got even. 

What did you do?

I stopped moping!

and mopping.

Fuck mopping.

As soon as that happened the muffs were off, the muffins were off, the muffies were of, all muff-like entities disappeared. I saw the light, ohhhhhh and it was good.

From my years and years of meditation on some asian mountain doing enlightened asian things, I have concluded that happiness is when you confront reality... and reality is that YOU are the only person or thing that manipulates your life. If you are bored or anxious or depressed, it is YOUR problem... not your mother's or your pilates instuctor's. Crying about it only messes up your make up and contributes to global warming (you cry, use tissues, tissues come from trees, etc.)

Find something that you can put all your energy into. Find something you can focus on and become better at over time. I found rock climbing and poetry. I can look at my progress on both of these and see myself improving. Don't waste your one life complaining or arguing or perpetuating any negativity. It only makes the days longer and harder (**pause to internally chuckle over those two adjectives).

One more thing. When you are sad, call someone over or just talk on the phone. I don't know if you realize this, but there are people all around the world. You know how I know this?

I watched the Olympics today and there were these people with darker skin making noises out of their mouths that the other darker skins understood. I figured out that these were not only people, but people from a place other than where I am.

It made me feel less lonely.

Blah blah blah.

Basically, because I have a blog and can see my words in all their splendor on the web I think I have relevant things to say. This makes me happy.

What makes you happy?

better not be mopping.

Fuck mopping.

  

You know what I'm sayin'!

So........................

I have a tummy ache.

It is 3:22 AM according to my good ol' Macbook, and I am once again awake. I don't know how my body recharges, but apparently it isn't by prolonged periods of inactivity. It doesn't matter how tired I am; I don't sleep.

I'm thinking that maybe this sleepless haze I am living in is actually a gift. I tend to say whatever the fffk I'm thinking, and we all know my thoughts are like those Furby dolls that we so cherish and secretly hold onto knowing they will become relevant and priceless in the future but we are too ashamed to admit that the weird bug-eyed freaks get to us. 

Sadly, I think I'm about to puke so I should go in the next minute or two.

TMI?

Furby will have to wait.

Okay, fine. A quickie.

(She said that)

Anyway, my observation for the day is that being direct is the only way to live. I love sarcasm, but sometimes it is too much, and we need to really let people know how we feel- good or bad. 

That was a real gem of a moment Katlyn.

Why, thank you.

So if you don't understand me or you got something you want to say, just say it. I won't bite. Mainly because you are made of meat, but also because I respect you.

Am I drunk?

sadly no.

puke time.

Talk to your plants. (not because it's important but because it will make you look crazier than me)

Three Dogs Are Staring At Me Right Now

(Firstly, I will be editing the color scheme and junk later because this is boring me and you.)

Finally it has happened. I was in the shower and I started talking to myself.

What has happened?

Katlyn has finally lost it?

No no no. I'm not crazy at all. Since when are vegans crazy?

Actually, I had an epiphany. It often happens in the shower with me. If you were in the shower with me you would have an epiphany too. too much...

I had all these thoughts sporadically shooting in and out of my brain. I would lose one and then gain another. It has been a long time, it seems, since I have had so many ideas and things to talk about. So, I had to talk. And now it is bloggin' time.

Lately, I have been very lost. I truly didn't even know I was lost until now. That's how it usually goes with me. I let things build and build and when they finally crash down, it hurts, but I finally feel something and learn from it. I don't think I'm making very much sense right now, but that isn't my concern. My concern is getting out the letters and the words to see where I am. 

For the past two weeks, I have a had horrible anxiety. When I wake up, my heart is racing and my stomach hurts and I'm sick all day. Some days, I would try to ignore it; I would hang out with friends and focus on other things. Other days, I would spend hours sitting- trying to calm myself down. It was like sitting at the top of a roller coaster, expecting to fall at any minute, but never getting that relief (aren't roller coasters like the most cliché analogy?) Sometimes I would brave a little self-analysis, but avoidance is kind of my hobby. I have mastered hiding from myself. 

Today, I have spent my time alone. It's been a sad day. I feel lonely, but it's a good thing. I needed this. I did this to myself. I did this for myself. I stop calling people, stop answering the phone, and for some reason expect someone to be there for me. But how could they be? I slam the door in everyone's face. I have gotten off the track (another roller coaster reference? come on). I thought having crazy times with friends and entertaining people would fill me up. But gah... emptiness is heavy and weighing on me. I let myself be affected by petty things- such as boys, girl-talk, going to the gym, etc. But I am not that girl.

I am not happy at the mall, or drinking, or spending hours talking about other people. That is for middle school. I am happy when I'm honest. And honestly, I can't always be funny and cute and charming and fun. I need time to myself to paint, write... blog; you know, do the stereotypical vegan things. I need to think about big things. I like feeling small sometimes. My anxiety tells me that the bigger part of me- the thoughtful, concerned, yet cynical part- is being ignored by everyone- especially me.  

Today, I want to write about people instead of animals. I may wanna talk about myself a bit too. I'm an actor. I like when you look at me. 

When freshman year started, I was desperately trying to fit in anywhere. I knew very little about myself and would grab at anything (which can get awkward) and join any group that slightly tickled my fancy. My fancy is very ticklish by the way. What I learned is that people are tools in all groups. Image becomes so important that the ideas people stand for become shadows behind the image. I started to understand this and I resented people for that. It felt like no one is good. Even the people I loved and thought I knew began to take on new shades in my eyes. The beauty I once felt with them turned false. In some cases, I projected the false image and pushed undeserving people away. In some very significant cases, though, my new perception was more truth than not. This was the first time in my life I felt true sadness. I was depressed. I developed that darker side that few people see. 

This was an amazing event. A rebirth was masked in what, at the time, felt like death. Without this difficult time, I would not be the complete person I am becoming. I would be much more naive, silly, and a grade-a corporate raised consumer whore who gets hot from a good deal and a chick-fil-a sammich. 

ANYWAYS!  

That is when animal rights came into my life. The capacity for cruelty held by humans was expanded and reaffirmed to me when I saw corporate farming and the methods for obtaining, raising, and slaughtering animals by the millions. I was ripe and ready to hate humans at that point in my life, and animal rights helped me do that.

I have chilled out though. I haven't converted from my animal rights perspective, but I have altered my vision of the world and my ways of handling it. I don't hate people anymore. I don't love them either. This is what I discovered in the shower. This and a weird rash. Just kidding. Unless that random guy I slept with has the same rash... then I'm not kidding. Just let me know "John Smith". Just kidding. yea...

To me, people are just so.... predictable and unchangeable. I have tremendous faith in the individual. I love a person, but people follow patterns mainly motivated by the poisonous group mentality. It has been this way all of human history. Some people have been fighting for power while others fight for peace (aka power) forever. People love to congregate and get fired up and get-er-done! But for every one group with a cause, there is another just as strong and passionate to oppose it. 

Humans are animals. They live lives of habit. They have their territory and fight to keep it. People do what they can to survive.

But there is something more...

Unlike "animals", humans have a creative force that can be beautiful. It motivates all art and can make life so enriching. Just as with all things, though, it is balanced with equal capacity to destroy. So, for every beautiful thing humans create, other humans are creating an ugly image to counteract it. 

My point is (I swear it's in here somewhere) that I have very little faith in changing the human world. Everything, to a certain extent, is black and white. For every Gandhi, there is a Hitler. It has been this way and I think it always will be. Our creativity has been around forever, but it hasn't gotten us away from doing horrible "animal-like" atrocities. 

With this perspective, I have taken on a more passive existence than before. I continue a vegan lifestyle, but do not yell at others to adopt my point of view. I passively put my life in the light and on the web and want others to live a life that fulfills them. If my life inspires or at least presents something someone has not thought of, then that is enough for me. I think this is all I can do. 

To tell you the truth, this post was highly motivated by watching the Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth whats-her-face argument from the View. I stumbled upon it on YouTube and thought, "Goodness gracious, this is such a waste of life!" Then, of course I realized I was becoming a waste of life by using my time to watch it. It did make me think, though, about how useless arguing is and how meaningless it is. Neither of those crazy bitches changed anyone's mind. They just raised blood-pressures and perpetuated humanity's flaw: hating with no real purpose. 

So let it be and stop arguing. You have beauty and limitless potential within you, but you combined with 1 million others of the same: religion, political party, activist group, lifestyle, etc, may blend together and forget the brilliance you shine on your own. 

I have faith in myself. Not a church. Not a politician. Not an organization (yes.. even PETA). 

I choose to love. I swear I'm not a hippie. I hate hippies.

ha.

Painted

Breathe in my lifted words. They raise your stony guts. i am a savior for the tragically flawed, but my own stomach is in knots.