The End Of A Veggie's Tales

First of all, no pity. frick.

GAHH I don't want to do this, but I do.

So this is the hardest post I have ever written. It's awkwardly personal, but it is necessary for me to get this out and maybe of interest to you.

SOOO... let's begin. (this feels like therapy)

A little more than two years ago, I had an eating disorder.

BAM! see.. awkwardly personal.

Anyway, I did not take care of my body, and I didn't eat enough. At the time, all that mattered was my appearance, and I will forever regret this perspective as every day now, for about 2 years, I have been sick because of it. I ruined my bones, my digestive system, and harmed my immune system. Slowly, I grew up and realized I was unhealthy. It was too late, though, and I was already sick. A little after I decided to get healthy, I decided to become a vegetarian because I saw the horrible side of human nature. I saw how selfish we are and how wasteful we are. My new life was not based on eating foods (rather not eating) in order to make me skinny, but rather eating foods that allowed others to live. I was helping animals, the planet, and other people with my vegetarian lifestyle. If felt good.

The past, though, never goes away and my body still suffers from the selfish and irresponsible life I lived before. I have been to sooooo many doctors, had soooo many tests, and am on soooo many meds, but my body just doesn't work anymore like it did. For 2 years, I have been able to cope with it, but I have breakdowns every once and a while when I realize that I never really feel good anymore. It wears on a person to know he or she can't go out and do certain things because of health concerns. Lately, especially, I have been really upset by my limited choice in activities. The fact that I have suppressed this struggle just makes it worse. 

So, for the first time in over 2 years, I have decided to take care of my body and add some meat back into my diet. WHOA.. don't get the wrong idea though. 

BEING A VEGETARIAN IS A HEALTHIER AND MORE RESPONSIBLE LIFESTYLE

for most

But because I have pre-existing health problems, especially with my digestive system, that already limit the foods i can eat (I can't eat a lot of raw veggies, anything spicy, too many fruits, things with too much fat, really grainy foods, or milk) then being a vegetarian has made my menu consist of very few repeated meals. Now, along with the other health concerns, I have deficiencies in nutrients. Basically, I'm falling apart all because I cared so much about the media's image of beauty. I ruined any chance of having "normal" health ever again because of it, but by adding a small amount of meat into my diet, I am hugely expanding the variety of food I can eat and the nutrients I will get. This, hopefully, will at least ease the day-to-day pain and make me a more complete person. 

I am still an animal rights activist and vegetarian at heart, but have chosen to be a little selfish and recover some right now. I feel like a disappointment; I feel like I'm being weak; and I feel hugely guilty, but I know I have to take care of my basic needs before I can go out and change the world. I have to be alive before I can make a difference, and going on this way, my body may just shut down completely.

Hopefully, when I get through with college, the stress and other health factors will decrease and I can go back to a healthy vegetarianism. A veggie, though, who cannot eat raw fruits, vegetables, nuts, peanut butter, and milk, is not healthy. 

Right now I just want to feel good and be able to be active and energetic like I was before college. I miss sports and running and just living without feeling shitty. 

There it is in all it's unexpected and awkward splendor. I feel like I need to make a joke now because I feel exposed and stupid, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to let this one be. 

I have no problem talking about these things, by the way. So, if you read this and then see me, you don't have to feel uncomfortable or like you can't bring it up. 

I think I'm most worried that I don't have an identity without being the vegetarian. I mean... that's who I am, I think. It's scary to not really have that anymore.

Shit.