riboflavin tastes like ut

i am such a sassy bitch right now.

like, im trying not to cuss as much, but i am straight up sassy bitchy. it's awesome.

i think it has something to do with the fact that im wearing spandex pants at this moment and writing by candlelight. 

dangerous combo.

so, i have reached that groovy more independent single stage in my life. see... i went through the whole "im in a serious relationship" thing, and then I did the whole "what the hell am i doing right now?" thing, and then i did the whole "shit im alone thing", and now i'm doing the whole "hey dude, i dont need you or your ass-pinches (ive always been a fan of the ass-pinch) to make me happy because i have spandex pants and i write by candlelight" thing. 

for the first time in my entire life, i am not looking for someone more to add to my life. i have great friends, a dog with a food allergy, and a reaaaally messy room. these things make me feel alive. 

i saw the grad students perform the secret rapture by david hare today. basically what i got out of the play was that i need to enjoy the present and fucking live life. this doesnt mean i need to go skydiving and those other typical adventures that humans do when they feel stagnant. it means that i need to wake up, smile, and be happy with the situation that surrounds me. this, of course, was difficult to do when tessa first moved to my apartment and would wake me up every morning by rubbing her flat shitzu face on my ass, but now i accept and rather enjoy the early greeting. i may adopt it as my own form of greeting. 

its especially okay when im wearing spandex.

one-a-day women's vitamins are really orange. it makes me feel like i have school spirit and a lot of riboflavin living it up in my cuerpo (spanish for body. geez. read a book or something). maybe riboflavin is school spirit.

yeah. so back to being awesome. 

im a strong single black woman. r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

and i dont use capitalization. 

suck it u t writing lab.

i need to paint. reggie (yea you) i need my paints back.

be happy with what you have. whether it be a lover, a dog, or an advanced calculator, smile thinking about it every morning.

i love you.

(you love me too)

peace, or something like it.

kk

What about Whoopie Goldberg?

Hey. I'm eating a popsicle, listening to cute cheery music, and drinking water from a mug. 

Life is good.

I'm so glad Tessa isn't James Lipton. 

The End Of A Veggie's Tales

First of all, no pity. frick.

GAHH I don't want to do this, but I do.

So this is the hardest post I have ever written. It's awkwardly personal, but it is necessary for me to get this out and maybe of interest to you.

SOOO... let's begin. (this feels like therapy)

A little more than two years ago, I had an eating disorder.

BAM! see.. awkwardly personal.

Anyway, I did not take care of my body, and I didn't eat enough. At the time, all that mattered was my appearance, and I will forever regret this perspective as every day now, for about 2 years, I have been sick because of it. I ruined my bones, my digestive system, and harmed my immune system. Slowly, I grew up and realized I was unhealthy. It was too late, though, and I was already sick. A little after I decided to get healthy, I decided to become a vegetarian because I saw the horrible side of human nature. I saw how selfish we are and how wasteful we are. My new life was not based on eating foods (rather not eating) in order to make me skinny, but rather eating foods that allowed others to live. I was helping animals, the planet, and other people with my vegetarian lifestyle. If felt good.

The past, though, never goes away and my body still suffers from the selfish and irresponsible life I lived before. I have been to sooooo many doctors, had soooo many tests, and am on soooo many meds, but my body just doesn't work anymore like it did. For 2 years, I have been able to cope with it, but I have breakdowns every once and a while when I realize that I never really feel good anymore. It wears on a person to know he or she can't go out and do certain things because of health concerns. Lately, especially, I have been really upset by my limited choice in activities. The fact that I have suppressed this struggle just makes it worse. 

So, for the first time in over 2 years, I have decided to take care of my body and add some meat back into my diet. WHOA.. don't get the wrong idea though. 

BEING A VEGETARIAN IS A HEALTHIER AND MORE RESPONSIBLE LIFESTYLE

for most

But because I have pre-existing health problems, especially with my digestive system, that already limit the foods i can eat (I can't eat a lot of raw veggies, anything spicy, too many fruits, things with too much fat, really grainy foods, or milk) then being a vegetarian has made my menu consist of very few repeated meals. Now, along with the other health concerns, I have deficiencies in nutrients. Basically, I'm falling apart all because I cared so much about the media's image of beauty. I ruined any chance of having "normal" health ever again because of it, but by adding a small amount of meat into my diet, I am hugely expanding the variety of food I can eat and the nutrients I will get. This, hopefully, will at least ease the day-to-day pain and make me a more complete person. 

I am still an animal rights activist and vegetarian at heart, but have chosen to be a little selfish and recover some right now. I feel like a disappointment; I feel like I'm being weak; and I feel hugely guilty, but I know I have to take care of my basic needs before I can go out and change the world. I have to be alive before I can make a difference, and going on this way, my body may just shut down completely.

Hopefully, when I get through with college, the stress and other health factors will decrease and I can go back to a healthy vegetarianism. A veggie, though, who cannot eat raw fruits, vegetables, nuts, peanut butter, and milk, is not healthy. 

Right now I just want to feel good and be able to be active and energetic like I was before college. I miss sports and running and just living without feeling shitty. 

There it is in all it's unexpected and awkward splendor. I feel like I need to make a joke now because I feel exposed and stupid, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to let this one be. 

I have no problem talking about these things, by the way. So, if you read this and then see me, you don't have to feel uncomfortable or like you can't bring it up. 

I think I'm most worried that I don't have an identity without being the vegetarian. I mean... that's who I am, I think. It's scary to not really have that anymore.

Shit.

What a rogue and peasant slave am I!

Pretend the gatorade bottle is a skull and that I am a 30ish year old man.

So I am failing miserably at school right now. I'm that girl who makes good grades and tells bad grades to suck it, but this semester they won't suck it. It's right there. Just freaking suck it. 

I am too distracted by personal things to do well in school right now. I am not good at organizing my tasks and thoughts and concerns and underwear. I think about everything at once, and it is starting to drive me mad.

My advice for you is to not take my advice right now. I need your advice! WHERE THE FFK IS YOUR BLOG?! I give, and I give, and I give it good. oh yea...  but you just sit and take it and never give back. 

I feel like everything I say is sexual. 

I need a hug and whiskey. Actually, I get heartburn so no hug. 

True Life: I share a brain

Meet the One Brain.

That is Zac, Reggie, Me and a giant bean. The giant bean isn't part of the one brain... yet. I tried to invite him to join but he just gave me a coupon for baked beans. 

What does it mean to share a brain?

Well... it's a lot like sharing lotion. Like, at first you may feel uncomfortable about it because it seems so personal, but then you end up smelling just like the person you shared with and that's just awesome.

Speaking of awesome things brought on by lotion- I bought a ridiculously expensive "body butter" (see previous post) called Buttercream Frosting, and it makes me feel and smell like Jesus. What is ironic about this lotion making me smell Jesus-like is that the box says "sinfully rich" which seems to be the exact opposite of Jesus. I tried to write a letter to the company about this, but they just sent me a coupon for baked beans.

All of this has gotten me thinking about death (obviously). Here is what I'm thinkin':

A) When I die, what is going to happen to Reggie and Zac? We share a brain... and usually dead brains aren't conducive to life situations.

B) On my lil tombstone thing I want it to say "Here lies Katlyn Whittenburg -sinfully rich." I haven't decided yet if I want to actually live a sinfully rich life yet or just lie on my grave. I mean.. I'm not going to lie on my grave.. I'll be in my grave and lie on the tombstone. You understand. ANYWAY... Jesus probably isn't going to be happy either way with the living in sin thing or with the lying so I need to think more about this one.

C) Who is going to inherit all my baked beans coupons?

LKAJSLDJSKJSALADLE

I bought some butter for my body. It's body butter. 

No me interesa

I, in this moment, believe....

The point of life is making meaningful contact with humanity. 

You mean something. What does your name mean? What's in a name? 

The words are not important but the human experience that each of our names holds is our weight in this world. He has seen God; She has seen war; He has killed; She has lost her love; He has climbed mountains; She has run away; He has died; She has died; They both, with all their little and large moments in life, have meant something to someone. This meaning is the ash that is left behind. 

As you walk to class, to work, to the store, to China, wherever, realize every once in a while that the person that just walked by in that tacky sequined shirt and ridiculously high-waisted shorts means something to someone just as you do, and this recognition in that moment causes him or her to mean something to you. 

You and Tacky McGee have something that bonds you together so closely and indestructibly: you both want to mean something and both go throughout your whole lives seeking ways to achieve that. There is no room for hate once you understand this is true for all races, religions, and lifestyles. 

I want someone to say my name, say my name; you actin' kinda shady; ain't callin' me baby...

sorry.

Really, though, I want someone to say my name with acknowledgment of my hard times, my favorite things, my most embarrassing moments, my fears, my obsession with Gatorade, and what my real true smile looks like. 

This blog is the beginning of my slow walk towards revealing my real self in the real world. 

Right now, that is what I mean.

What do you mean?

KATLYN*************

"...Humanity i love you because you 

are perpetually putting the secret

of life in your pants and forgetting

 it's there and sitting down

on it

and because you are 

forever making poems in the lap

of death Humanity

I hate you."

e. e. cummings*******

The tension in intension floods the throat until the back reverberates against the grass and I sing to the one that soil breathes for tune breaks my cushioned back but it feels like plucking the string of damaged guitar life with a whole new arrangement of its spine to lay out on the grass absorbing the vibrations of its own celebration of your faceless warmth. i sit up and the stains on my back give me false hope. 

L.