I know what I know

"Really, though, I want someone to say my name with acknowledgment of my hard times, my favorite things, my most embarrassing moments, my fears, my obsession with Gatorade, and what my real true smile looks like. "

I wrote this way back a year or so ago in this blog. Reading it now, it feels even more true. That is what I want.

I have a vagina

It is rough living with a teenager. Especially when no one actually disciplines him. It is all just noise. Just yelling. But yelling accomplishes nothing. I have no children, but I know this is true. Yelling + money= how the certain families that I belong to cope with things. When you don't do something perfect, people yell at you. When you finally get something right, you get an iPod.

I bring this up because my brother and I just got in a fight. It's the first actual fight we have gotten into in a long time, and it was dumb (as all fighting is). I won't go into the details, but I will say that I never let things get very far in arguments anymore. I used to be bitch bitch mcBitherson and could argue about anything and wear my opponent down until they were just a bleeding pulp of useless.

Sorry. Too graphic. Too much.

Anyway. I really don't argue much anymore so I am a little disappointed in myself for perpetuating some teenage angst being taken out on me, but I see my talented brother with limitless potential being so self-centered at times, and I just want him to have that shown to him sometimes. I feel like the mother when I am at home. I won't go into all that either, but I do feel responsible for my brother because I love him, and I want him to grow up and grow past the materialism that surrounds him and find true joy. I see him, though, being a douche (as we can all be) and then getting senselessly yelled at and called names, and all this teaches him is to solve his problems by thoughtless screaming and careless responses. This is what I encountered tonight. A misunderstanding happened and he blew up. It only hurts and solves nothing.

So my point is that it hurts when someone you care about so much just senselessly blows up at you. Yes, logic tells me that he did not mean to call me a bitch, but the fact that he has enough hate in him to yell at me is shocking. I have learned tonight that I should never even contribute to any sort of conversation that only consists of aggravated testosterone. Just walk away and know that trying to convince someone when they are like that of anything is a fruitless labor.

Sorry, readers, I had to vent somehow and I am the only one who really has the patience to listen to myself at times like this, so writing all this out and then reading it myself will get me to calm down.

My advice, if you want it, is just don't yell. Get mad, get upset and hurt, but take enough time not to yell and get violent. These things just bring people too far apart to fix anything.

This post is lame.

I ate a BUNCH of chocolate today. Maybe that's why I am so emotional.

Women are so weak and dumb. I am glad we live in a male dominated society...

wait.. nope. I don't believe any of that.

K. good. I'm still me.

You can take my chocolate, but you can't take away my vagina... Well, I guess you could but that's taking my brain somewhere it doesn't want to go.

Sorry. Bye.

-Woman

Only losers die.

It is the first day of 2010. I started my year sleeping, working out, eating good food, playing with my cat, and learning to cook with my mom and dad. It was a good start.

I think people try too hard to make a big deal out of the beginning and end of the year. The middle is what counts. We always enjoy the beginnings of things and look forward to their endings, but find ourselves bored or discontent within the middle. That is why my New Year's resolution is to celebrate the ordinary days. I'm gonna party on a Monday in the middle of March because of the alliteration.

These parties won't be occasions to get blasted and get in filthy hot tubs with perfect strangers (as much as I love the latter.) These parties will be with good music, dancing, and making a vegan cake. Other people may or not be involved. I can have a solo dolo party, fo sho.

For example, I spent my New Years with only the three dogs and the cat. My broseph was out partying; my parents had their own drunk adventure; and I sat at home. It was amazing. I slept, I snacked, and just was at peace. I stayed up and watched the ball drop with Ingrid (my cat) and then ran downstairs and yelled "HAPPY FUCKIN NEW YEAR" to my beagle and two little shits (shitzus.) Chance, the beagle, began howling aggressively and then Bella, the little yappy ugly shitzu, screeched like a wild boar with an attitude problem, and Tessa, the older worn own pretty dog, rolled her eyes and went back to sleep. I think she pissed herself in her bed, too. It wasn't like a sad "I'm so old that I cannot control my bladder" kind of pissed herself. It was like a "It's 2010 and I want to urinate on myself so you have to clean it up and learn your place beneath me in this world." I then proceeded to dance while music played on TV and the awake dogs chased me around and tried to somehow get food out of the situation. They succeeded. I'm a pushover for the animal world. We've learned this by now.

Point: I don't need to depend on others to make me happy. I don't need a huge crazy fiesta with mad amounts of alcohol and hot strippers to have fun. In the middle of the year, in the middle of the month, in the middle of the week, in the middle of your day, you can find joy wherever you are. In the middle, life is not extreme, but it has the opportunity to be balanced. Because, we cannot physically survive living in the party zone every day. Most of our lives are spent in a simpler way. Most of our lives are spent waiting in line for some toy made in China.

That's not where I was going with that. I apologize.

Enjoy the middle of things. Fuck mid-life crisis.

Live in the moment and you will never be disappointed. Unless you die... then you have failed at living in the moment.

Only losers die.

Wait......

Everyone dies.

Sounds like another blog post.

I'm writing my first play!

It needs to happen, and so it is. I am expanding my writing endeavors. I now blog and write plays.

I have a feeling my play is going to turn out really random with lots of profanity and accidental insults.

I'm taking pictures.

Selections from the Tao Te Ching

Thirty spokes join in one hub
In its emptiness, there is the function of a vehicle
Mix clay to create a container
In its emptiness, there is the function of a container
Cut open doors and windows to create a room
In its emptiness, there is the function of a room

Therefore, that which exists is used to create benefit
That which is empty is used to create functionality

Attain the ultimate emptiness
Hold on to the truest tranquility
The myriad things are all active
I therefore watch their return

Everything flourishes; each returns to its root
Returning to the root is called tranquility
Tranquility is called returning to one's nature
Returning to one's nature is called constancy
Knowing constancy is called clarity

Not knowing constancy, one recklessly causes trouble
Knowing constancy is acceptance
Acceptance is impartiality
Impartiality is sovereign
Sovereign is Heaven
Heaven is Tao
Tao is eternal
The self is no more, without danger

End sagacity; abandon knowledge
The people benefit a hundred times

End benevolence; abandon righteousness
The people return to piety and charity

End cunning; discard profit
Bandits and thieves no longer exist

These three things are superficial and insufficient
Thus this teaching has its place:
Show plainness; hold simplicity
Reduce selfishness; decrease desires

A strong military, a tool of misfortune
All things detest it
Therefore, those who possess the Tao avoid it
Honorable gentlemen, while at home, value the left
When deploying the military, value the right

The military is a tool of misfortune
Not the tool of honorable gentlemen
When using it out of necessity
Calm detachment should be above all
Victorious but without glory
Those who glorify
Are delighting in the killing
Those who delight in killing
Cannot achieve their ambitions upon the world

Auspicious events favor the left
Inauspicious events favor the right
The lieutenant general is positioned to the left
The major general is positioned to the right
We say that they are treated as if in a funeral
Those who have been killed
Should be mourned with sadness
Victory in war should be treated as a funeral

Those who wish to take the world and control it
I see that they cannot succeed
The world is a sacred instrument
One cannot control it
The one who controls it will fail
The one who grasps it will lose

Because all things:
Either lead or follow
Either blow hot or cold
Either have strength or weakness
Either have ownership or take by force

Therefore the sage:
Eliminates extremes
Eliminates excess
Eliminates arrogance

Higher people hear of the Tao
They diligently practice it
Average people hear of the Tao
They sometimes keep it and sometimes lose it
Lower people hear of the Tao
They laugh loudly at it
If they do not laugh, it would not be the Tao

Expressions of a Girl in a Onesie

So i officially have 3 onesies to my name now. One glow in the dark sports onesie, one glow in the dark dinosaur onesie, and one blue onesie with sock monkeys for feet. Right now I'm sportin the monkey onesie.

and you know what...?

I'm happy.

And it's not just fleeting onesie happiness.

This is true enduring happiness.

So dont fuck it up for me.

Thanks.

Love,

KKtheKoolKid