Today is a step towards tomorrow

Hi.

See... I saw Coldplay last night. 

Coldplay is my band. Not to say that it is no one else's. Coldplay is everyone's but not everyone accepts Coldplay. What I mean is that Coldplay's music is the music that defines moments for me. When I struggled, I Coldplayed. When I celebrated, I Coldplayed. When I didn't know what to do, I Coldplayed. So, seeing them live has been basically a lifetime goal of mine. 

I got to go yesterday.

I was exhausted from driving, being sick, and eating a giant pretzel so I had zoned out for a bit while the opening band played. Then, though, they played some Jay Z while the roadies were doing their business and of course my shoulders started bumpin' and my hips started swayin' and my eyes started bulgin' (it's weird but it happens). So, I was awake and happy, then a classical song came on. I don't know the name of it, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't Jay Z. These two songs set the tone for the night. It was sheer brilliance to start the night that way.

THEN, "Life in Technicolor" could be heard slowly building in volume, the lights went out, and four figures happily skipping and dancing behind a screen could be seen. I IMMEDIATELY stood up, put my hands to my face, and cried like I was having a baby... which in a sense I was. They hadn't said/sung a word and were only figures behind a screen, but they immediately reached me, impregnated me, and told me they would be there for the delivery. 

I say things.

I cried the entire first half of the show. What was more amazing is that I wasn't even thinking. My mind was completely speechless. I was completely unaware of myself. Only Coldplay can do that for me. 

Seeing the concert, enjoying Chris Martin's perfect sense of humor, seeing the passion of the band, and feeling myself cry for an hour made the night life-altering. 

I'm one of those people that over-thinks everything! I worry and stress and self-judge so much. I have doubts that anyone is really capable of love. I doubt the presence of "good" in people. Sometimes I think we are all just selfish, but because we are all this way we are too selfish to notice everyone else not caring about us. I see the horrible things we do to animals and the planet and feel that humans are incapable of TRUE selflessness. It is as if humans will sacrifice things when it makes a big gesture and gets us credit. But, when the sacrifice is something that affects our daily lives and will be less noticed, then we deem it ridiculous and going against "human nature." 

Human nature... what the fuck does that even mean???

This concert though brought out a completely uncritical me. My heart was exposed and I felt that love is real and attainable for me. I still think people have a great distance to go before we can claim to be the "higher beings," but for that night I could feel the energy that bonds us all together and could lead to great things. We need to find the universal Coldplay that brings out this sense of unity and love within all of us. If we stop seeing him as a democrat, her as a republican, him as a Jew, her as a dance,dance,revolution superstar, then we can see this amazing group of beings-humanity- as something we are all a part of. You are a part of something great. I am a part of something great. Look at all humanity has done. We are each a part of that (good and bad). Own that, and we can see that all people (from prisoners to kings) are with us. Maybe then, we can understand each other.

Do I think it is possible to reach Utopia? I never did, but last night changed something for me.

"They are turning my head out, to see what I'm all about. Keeping my head down, to see what if feels like now, but I have no doubt. Someday the sun will come out."

Oh and just because I am eating meat right now does not mean I have forgotten how much I despise the meat industry.

I understand meat-eaters much more now. I, though, still fight for a new meat industry that supports the health of its consumers and avoids all torture. Utopia will be a world without torture. Death will be a part of life, but suffering wont.

Obama.. do you agree? I hope so.

riboflavin tastes like ut

i am such a sassy bitch right now.

like, im trying not to cuss as much, but i am straight up sassy bitchy. it's awesome.

i think it has something to do with the fact that im wearing spandex pants at this moment and writing by candlelight. 

dangerous combo.

so, i have reached that groovy more independent single stage in my life. see... i went through the whole "im in a serious relationship" thing, and then I did the whole "what the hell am i doing right now?" thing, and then i did the whole "shit im alone thing", and now i'm doing the whole "hey dude, i dont need you or your ass-pinches (ive always been a fan of the ass-pinch) to make me happy because i have spandex pants and i write by candlelight" thing. 

for the first time in my entire life, i am not looking for someone more to add to my life. i have great friends, a dog with a food allergy, and a reaaaally messy room. these things make me feel alive. 

i saw the grad students perform the secret rapture by david hare today. basically what i got out of the play was that i need to enjoy the present and fucking live life. this doesnt mean i need to go skydiving and those other typical adventures that humans do when they feel stagnant. it means that i need to wake up, smile, and be happy with the situation that surrounds me. this, of course, was difficult to do when tessa first moved to my apartment and would wake me up every morning by rubbing her flat shitzu face on my ass, but now i accept and rather enjoy the early greeting. i may adopt it as my own form of greeting. 

its especially okay when im wearing spandex.

one-a-day women's vitamins are really orange. it makes me feel like i have school spirit and a lot of riboflavin living it up in my cuerpo (spanish for body. geez. read a book or something). maybe riboflavin is school spirit.

yeah. so back to being awesome. 

im a strong single black woman. r-e-s-p-e-c-t.

and i dont use capitalization. 

suck it u t writing lab.

i need to paint. reggie (yea you) i need my paints back.

be happy with what you have. whether it be a lover, a dog, or an advanced calculator, smile thinking about it every morning.

i love you.

(you love me too)

peace, or something like it.

kk

What about Whoopie Goldberg?

Hey. I'm eating a popsicle, listening to cute cheery music, and drinking water from a mug. 

Life is good.

I'm so glad Tessa isn't James Lipton. 

The End Of A Veggie's Tales

First of all, no pity. frick.

GAHH I don't want to do this, but I do.

So this is the hardest post I have ever written. It's awkwardly personal, but it is necessary for me to get this out and maybe of interest to you.

SOOO... let's begin. (this feels like therapy)

A little more than two years ago, I had an eating disorder.

BAM! see.. awkwardly personal.

Anyway, I did not take care of my body, and I didn't eat enough. At the time, all that mattered was my appearance, and I will forever regret this perspective as every day now, for about 2 years, I have been sick because of it. I ruined my bones, my digestive system, and harmed my immune system. Slowly, I grew up and realized I was unhealthy. It was too late, though, and I was already sick. A little after I decided to get healthy, I decided to become a vegetarian because I saw the horrible side of human nature. I saw how selfish we are and how wasteful we are. My new life was not based on eating foods (rather not eating) in order to make me skinny, but rather eating foods that allowed others to live. I was helping animals, the planet, and other people with my vegetarian lifestyle. If felt good.

The past, though, never goes away and my body still suffers from the selfish and irresponsible life I lived before. I have been to sooooo many doctors, had soooo many tests, and am on soooo many meds, but my body just doesn't work anymore like it did. For 2 years, I have been able to cope with it, but I have breakdowns every once and a while when I realize that I never really feel good anymore. It wears on a person to know he or she can't go out and do certain things because of health concerns. Lately, especially, I have been really upset by my limited choice in activities. The fact that I have suppressed this struggle just makes it worse. 

So, for the first time in over 2 years, I have decided to take care of my body and add some meat back into my diet. WHOA.. don't get the wrong idea though. 

BEING A VEGETARIAN IS A HEALTHIER AND MORE RESPONSIBLE LIFESTYLE

for most

But because I have pre-existing health problems, especially with my digestive system, that already limit the foods i can eat (I can't eat a lot of raw veggies, anything spicy, too many fruits, things with too much fat, really grainy foods, or milk) then being a vegetarian has made my menu consist of very few repeated meals. Now, along with the other health concerns, I have deficiencies in nutrients. Basically, I'm falling apart all because I cared so much about the media's image of beauty. I ruined any chance of having "normal" health ever again because of it, but by adding a small amount of meat into my diet, I am hugely expanding the variety of food I can eat and the nutrients I will get. This, hopefully, will at least ease the day-to-day pain and make me a more complete person. 

I am still an animal rights activist and vegetarian at heart, but have chosen to be a little selfish and recover some right now. I feel like a disappointment; I feel like I'm being weak; and I feel hugely guilty, but I know I have to take care of my basic needs before I can go out and change the world. I have to be alive before I can make a difference, and going on this way, my body may just shut down completely.

Hopefully, when I get through with college, the stress and other health factors will decrease and I can go back to a healthy vegetarianism. A veggie, though, who cannot eat raw fruits, vegetables, nuts, peanut butter, and milk, is not healthy. 

Right now I just want to feel good and be able to be active and energetic like I was before college. I miss sports and running and just living without feeling shitty. 

There it is in all it's unexpected and awkward splendor. I feel like I need to make a joke now because I feel exposed and stupid, but I'm not going to do that. I'm going to let this one be. 

I have no problem talking about these things, by the way. So, if you read this and then see me, you don't have to feel uncomfortable or like you can't bring it up. 

I think I'm most worried that I don't have an identity without being the vegetarian. I mean... that's who I am, I think. It's scary to not really have that anymore.

Shit.

What a rogue and peasant slave am I!

Pretend the gatorade bottle is a skull and that I am a 30ish year old man.

So I am failing miserably at school right now. I'm that girl who makes good grades and tells bad grades to suck it, but this semester they won't suck it. It's right there. Just freaking suck it. 

I am too distracted by personal things to do well in school right now. I am not good at organizing my tasks and thoughts and concerns and underwear. I think about everything at once, and it is starting to drive me mad.

My advice for you is to not take my advice right now. I need your advice! WHERE THE FFK IS YOUR BLOG?! I give, and I give, and I give it good. oh yea...  but you just sit and take it and never give back. 

I feel like everything I say is sexual. 

I need a hug and whiskey. Actually, I get heartburn so no hug. 

True Life: I share a brain

Meet the One Brain.

That is Zac, Reggie, Me and a giant bean. The giant bean isn't part of the one brain... yet. I tried to invite him to join but he just gave me a coupon for baked beans. 

What does it mean to share a brain?

Well... it's a lot like sharing lotion. Like, at first you may feel uncomfortable about it because it seems so personal, but then you end up smelling just like the person you shared with and that's just awesome.

Speaking of awesome things brought on by lotion- I bought a ridiculously expensive "body butter" (see previous post) called Buttercream Frosting, and it makes me feel and smell like Jesus. What is ironic about this lotion making me smell Jesus-like is that the box says "sinfully rich" which seems to be the exact opposite of Jesus. I tried to write a letter to the company about this, but they just sent me a coupon for baked beans.

All of this has gotten me thinking about death (obviously). Here is what I'm thinkin':

A) When I die, what is going to happen to Reggie and Zac? We share a brain... and usually dead brains aren't conducive to life situations.

B) On my lil tombstone thing I want it to say "Here lies Katlyn Whittenburg -sinfully rich." I haven't decided yet if I want to actually live a sinfully rich life yet or just lie on my grave. I mean.. I'm not going to lie on my grave.. I'll be in my grave and lie on the tombstone. You understand. ANYWAY... Jesus probably isn't going to be happy either way with the living in sin thing or with the lying so I need to think more about this one.

C) Who is going to inherit all my baked beans coupons?

LKAJSLDJSKJSALADLE

I bought some butter for my body. It's body butter.