I try to work, but it's not working

I have been trying way too hard lately. I've actually been effort-ing. See? Even then. I tried so hard to make effort a verb, and you know what? (what?) It didn't work. Me trying is never a good idea. You would think after 22 years of trying very hard and failing miserably, I would know that by now.

What I am good at is not trying. Exhibit A. I wasn't trying to get pregnant and guess who is 7 1/2 months with child?

Me

I am very good at getting pregnant (sexy) without any planning or practicing (so to speak) or any of that nonsense.

Anytime I genuinely give it the old college try, though, I end up stressing out, buying Oreos, eating Oreos, and then looking back at the accomplishments incurred from the previous efforts and realize that all I have accomplished is consuming a lot of sort-of-food. Now, it's not all that bad seeing as how my failure just involved me getting to eat a lot of sort-of-cookies, but the point is that I am a neurotic white young woman with a bulging belly (75% baby/baby related goo, 25% Oreos) and these attributes make me a very uncomfortable person. I'm tired of being so uncomfortable all the time.

(Side note: My cat just tried to scratch the couch so I threw an uncrinkled napkin at her to scare her. If you have ever thrown an uncrinkled napkin to instill fear and communicate rage, you realize that the aerodynamics and physical composition of a singular napkin prevent those goals from being achieved. I include this because I, again, tried something and failed.)

I got the West side of my brain telling me to WORK HARD DAMMIT! YOU ARE ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY AND LIFE IS ABOUT TO BE SO DIFFICULT THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING ONCE THE BABY IS HERE! YOU NEED TO WORK SO THAT YOU CAN PROVIDE FOR YOUR BABY! WORK! ARE YOU WORKING!? WHILE YOU ARE WORKING YOU NEED TO BE THINKING ABOUT FUTURE WORKING ENDEAVORS! YOU NEED TO TEACH YOUR CHILD THE VALUE OF HARD WORK WHILE IT IS STILL IN YOUR WOMB! PLAY CLASSICAL MUSIC ON YOUR BELLY SO THAT YOUR BABY WILL START WORKING! OH AND BY THE WAY, YOU REALLY DO NEED TO FIND A PEDIATRICIAN FOR YOUR BABY! JUST A REMINDER!





Then, I got the hippie East side of my brain telling me                               chill






Very profound.





The ambitious side of me is like Fox News- stressful, completely unreliable, but motivating in a scary sort of way.

The "zen" side of me (some call it the lazy side) is like a gentle summer breeze or raindrops falling on leaves- peaceful, calming, and a little bit boring (let's just be honest).



I just want so much from this life. I want so much for me, but I also want so much for my family: my husband, my daughter, and my cat. It's hard to desire so much and yet be such a neurotic hippy wannabe. For every desire I have, there is a documentary telling me why it is bad for me! WHY DO I PUT SO MUCH STOCK IN DOCUMENTARIES!?

I know what I should do. Calm down and let life happen. What is meant to pass will pass. But it sure doesn't feel like that at times when the news is yelling at you and life is screaming at you all the time and everything feels so urgent and important.

It is my nature to be anxious. To overthink. To worry. To ramble about how I am anxious, overthink, and like to worry. This is me. So I am going to work on allowing myself to think about the things that sometimes cause me fear and anxiety without allowing them to overwhelm and control me.

Personal growth. I'm working on it.




At least I'm trying to.....